Blotter o’ the Week: Two shoplifters were caught with six pairs of socks bulging out of their pants pockets.

A police officer stopped a man who was riding his bike at night without a light and noticed that the man smelled like alcohol. When asked if he had been drinking, the man dropped to the ground, started doing pushups, and said, “Would someone drunk be able to do this?” Yes, yes he could. The man was arrested on charges of marijuana possession, public intoxication, giving false information, and not using a light on his bicycle.

Confession o’ the Week: “I’ve got weed and pills in my butt.”

Somebody broke into an apartment and sliced up two couches, two bed comforters, and some curtains. This crime was bed, bath, and beyond the pale.

After refusing to cooperate with officers who had caught him drinking from an open container on the sidewalk, a man told police, “I am going to snap your ass off,” and “I am going to beat your brick off.” For some reason we imagine these threats were delivered in a strong British accent.

A man says his girlfriend was mad at him because he planned to move out, so she used a knife to cut up his clothes and shoes.

Somebody stole several pieces of scaffolding from a construction site, presumably to reconstruct a Jackie Chan fight scene in his or her own backyard.

Houdini o’ the Week: A man locked his bicycle to a light pole. When he came back for it, the bike was gone but the cable lock was still attached to the pole and showed no signs of tampering.

After a woman caught a man masturbating in front of the doorway to her house, the man told police, “Oh, come on, man, can’t you just give me a break or a ticket? I didn’t know she could see me. I was just getting ready to go see a girl.”

During a fight in a gas station parking lot, a woman reportedly poured orange juice and peroxide on her ex-boyfriend’s car. We’ve forgotten our grade-school chemistry: What does that combination do again?

Somebody fraudulently used a bank account to order $260.89 worth of merchandise from a musical supply store in New Jersey.

Shoplifting Haul o’ the Week: A blower fan, a wrench set, a burner, a newspaper, a Motion Air (we’re not really sure what this is), a deep fryer, and a patio mat.

While he was being pulled over for driving erratically, a man leaned over to the glove compartment to hide his illegal handgun, got distracted, and ran up on the curb. He did not, however, think to brush the bits of marijuana off of his pants.

When asked if he had drugs or anything illegal in his tent, a man told police, “I don’t think weed is a drug.” Police confiscated his marijuana and handed him a summons on a possession charge. The man then said he smokes marijuana every day and would be smoking it right then if he had any.

Somebody stole two boat batteries, a large silver anchor, two fenders, a marine GPS unit, and a Cajun Anchor pole from a boat.

Stolen From Homes This Week: Two TVs, a refrigerator, a microwave, a dishwasher, PVC plumbing pipes, a pack of drywall sheets, and a bathroom sink (no, really).

Jesse Pinkman o’ the Week: Police found that a man was in illegal possession of a handgun, which he was stashing in a bookbag. Also in the bookbag: $11,175 worth of cold hard cash. The man’s girlfriend told police that the man was unemployed, and when they asked the man how he got the money, all he would say was, “I got a million in the bank, bitch.”

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