A new year is upon us, and once again, it’s time to look at the year ahead and think about what 2015 has in store for the fine men and women of Charleston, S.C. Well, as usual, the City Paper prognostication department — a fine group of three fellas, one gal, and one transitioning walrus-person — have come through once again with a new batch of dead-on predictions. Some are good, some are bad, and some are just down-right frightening. I’ve got three words for you: Mayor Thomas Ravenel.
1. After T-Rav’s disastrous post-felony tip-dip into the gaping maw of Palmetto State politics, few, if anyone, expected Cousin Arthur’s wayward son to make another run at elected office — especially not after he apparently tried to baptize his newborn baby girl in the backyard swimming pool while he was waist deep in the cups — but dagnabit if he didn’t decide to give it another go. And so Ravenel jumped into an already crowded field of J. Eager Beavers looking to fill Joe Riley’s mayoral shoes — from John Tecklenburg to Paul Tinkler, Leon Stavrinakis to William Dudley Gregorie, Mike Seekings to Byron. Not surprisingly, the odds were not in T-Rav’s favor. But then something strange occurred: Charleston was hit by a blizzard in late April, one day after Ravenel entered the race, and it didn’t let up until Election Day. By then, everyone in the Holy City was suffering from a painful case of mass-induced brain freeze, so when it came time to vote, only one lone voter had the wherewithal to make to the polls: Thomas Ravenel himself. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how history happens.
2. Berkeley County Sheriff Wayne DeWitt will be evicted from Blackbeard’s Cove after mistaking a stroller for a go-kart and a sippy cup of breast milk for a can of Mich Ultra. The go-kart track will be closed for two hours, and a hazmat team will be called in to clean up the mess.
3. Sean Brock will open a much-ballyhooed new restaurant called Slop. Foodies from near and far — including every single poster to Yelp Charleston (even the celebrated Chinese buffet aficionado Edith Mallwalker from Goose Creek) — will descend upon the East Bay Street hotspot to dine on locally sourced slop served out of troughs designed by the ghost of Philip Simmons.
4. The South Carolina Stingrays will win Wimbledon. Don’t ask us how. Just trust us that they do. (Oh and the Charleston Riverdogs sweep the Oscars. Picking up the Riverdogs’ Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, Bill Murray manages to achieve enlightenment before a startled television viewing audience and promptly ascends to the heavens with the cast of Star Wars VII in tow.)
5. The Crosstown does not flood for an entire year. Instead, it weeps tears of blood.
6. Following an actual hike on the Appalachian Trail, Mark Sanford stumbles upon legendary outlaw D.B. Cooper. The pair share a bottle of RC Cola and a MoonPie before each go their separate ways.
7. Remember that time the Ravenel Bridge closed for like three days? It happens again. This time, Cthulhu is to blame.
8. The late night bar moratorium comes to an end for Upper King, and nobody seems to notice. They’re too busy getting their drink on along the newly declared Morrison Drive entertainment district.
9. The first shots of the Second American Civil War are fired along the Battery. It goes down in the record books as the most misguided Grand Marnier promotion in history.
10. On a hot August night, long-time Charleston City Planner Tim Keane awakes from a terrible dream and finds a beheaded skate park in his bed. The screams can be heard all the way to Ladson.
11. In an unexpected move, Tim Scott switches to the Democratic Party. His fellow Republicans in the Lowcountry’s congressional delegation immediately follow suit, which then prompts South Carolina Democrat James Clyburn to attempt to reunite the surviving members of Pink Floyd to perform their 1977 studio album Animals in its entirety, complete with the band’s signature inflatable pig.
12. Former boy band-era heartthrob Aaron Carter comes to town and nobody notices.
13. Thomas Ravenel resigns from office just days after photos surface of him engaged in an amorous game of paper, cock, scissors with a certain Charleston City Paper employee. The newly elected mayor claims the images have been photoshopped, while the writer immediately places a phone call to the makers of MTV’s Catfish. The Holy City is embarrassed on national television yet again.
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