The first teaser for the second season of the much-maligned Charleston reality TV show “Southern Charm” is out. So far, all we truly know is that the new season will focus on Thomas Ravenel’s failed U.S. Senate run and there are two new additions to the cast and one exit — T-Rav’s baby momma Kathryn Calhoun Dennis and newcomer Landon Clements are in and the mohawk mistress Jenna King is out.




While the show may or may not include some sort of mention of the events leading up to Dennis and Ravenel’s breakup, it’s doubtful that T-Rav’s reported impromptu backyard baby baptism will make an appearance. The Bravo cameras weren’t rolling when that alleged incident happened — or at least that’s what we’ve been told.

Anyhow, here are a few predictions about what you can expect to see in “Southern Charm 2: Charm Harder”:

1. Whitney Sudler-Smith will take us inside the Stabbin Cabin, where we’ll find an odd assortment of Precious Moments figurines, Kewpie dolls, and lawn jockeys, all of which bear a striking resemblance to Whitney himself, or at least how one might imagine him at the ripe old age of 112. Oscar Wilde was right.

2. Craig Conover will get to try his first big case. Unfortunately, it will be a case of Natty Lite, and upon cross-examination, Conover will pass out and, ultimately, wet himself. 

3. Cameran Eubanks will finally realize that her first name is misspelled and change it legally. Sadly, her lawyer, Mr. Conover, will file the paperwork somewhere around two in dog beers, and Eubanks will discover that her name is now Pedro Zamora.

4. Shep Rose will learn to say his ABCs. However, singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” — complete with intricate hand movements — will remain beyond him. Unlike Conover, though, he is potty trained.

5. Landon Clements will go on a series of well-scripted lunches with Cameran in an attempt to, one, integrate her into the show, and, two, hide the fact that Landon is a **********SPOILER ALERT********** figment of Cameran’s imagination. 

6. Whitney’s mother Patricia Altschul will get a bad botox injection from a back alley plastic surgeon and embark on a strange and mystical quest to find the childhood home of Rhett Butler — and she’ll find it. Oddly enough, everyone else just calls it the Recovery Room.

7. J.D. Madison will go to the library and check out “The Glass Menagerie.” When he’s finished, he still won’t understand what T-Rav was talking about.

8. The killer from “Too Many Cooks” will make a guest appearance in every single episode before unleashing a reign of terror in the season 2 finale. 

9. Shortly before the season ends, rumors will begin surfacing that outgoing Charleston Mayor Joe Riley will be joining the cast as Whitney’s nephew Oliver. Those rumors will be debunked when Jenna King returns to the show and no one seems to notice that she now uses the phrases “wonderful” and “world-class” to describe most things.

10. The ghost of John C. Calhoun will make a guest appearance and promptly take back his name from Kathryn. He’ll try to give it to the ghost of Denmark Vesey, who, unbeknownst to the former vice president, has fashioned a shiv out of Lord Ashley Cooper’s right femur. Calhoun finally gets the proctology exam he’s always deserved.

11. Thomas Ravenel will find Jesus. And Buddha. And Krishna. And L. Ron Hubbard. After a long night of carousing on Upper King, they’ll awake the next morning in the homeless camp under the Ravenel Bridge surrounded by Munchkins. Ravenel’s first words will be, “Jesus, we’re not in the glass menagerie anymore.”

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