Let’s get real. The only reason we couldn’t wait to watch the season two premiere of Southern Charm was because we wanted to see what Ms. Patricia Altschul has been up to. And this episode delivered plenty of Pat. Thank goodness, because the other yahoos were doing more of the same in this episode: talking shit about T-Rav and Kathryn. Booorrrinng. 

But back to Queen Patricia. Even Lady Gaga took time to tweet about her fabulousness during the show. Which just legitimized our own adoration of her. 

As a lady to the manor born, our gal Pat knows what’s what when it comes to holding court in bed, wearing feathery bedclothes, drinking cold martinis, conducting oneself properly after one gets knocked up, and hosting parties. No wonder Whitney is reluctant to cut the boa feathers that keep him close to his mama. What woman could ever measure up to this creature?  

We first encounter Ms. Altschul in her chintz-lined boudoir where she, reclining in a white feather boa, is served breakfast by her manservant and visited by her only child, Whitney, who was let out of the nursery for a quick audience with the queen. 

As she lounged, she talked shit about Kathryn and T-Rav too, but in the most delicious way. On Kathryn’s pregnancy out of wedlock: “In my day, if you got knocked up, you went to a home for unwed mothers, your parents changed their name and moved to Missoula.”

Apparently, T-Rav and Kathryn are having a second christening because Kathryn fired the first godmother for the original sin — ie. flirting with her man. Pat went to the first christening and observes, “You shouldn’t have a second christening. It just invites comments.”

Mom and son chat about Whitney’s future plans — he’ll be moving into a beach house with Shep where she predicts they’ll be canoodling (with each other?) — and she points out that he’s failed to open his restaurant yet while Shep has already opened his hot dog stand. Oh. That hurts, mom. 

Pat’s date to the second christening is K. Cooper Ray, an equally fabulous Charleston bon vivant. She describes him as “one of these people who is very tuned into all the nuances of Southern society. If I need an escort, I call him up. He’s good company.”

In other words, he’s her gay best friend, and they make fun of everyone together. They get started right away, admiring her Birkin, which is full of her gear for the trip to Edisto for the second christening. “We’re going to the swamp, so we might meet some snakes and gators,” she jokes.

“And that’s just the guest list,” says Cooper. Ba dum bum. 

The butler gives each a cocktail in a glass. “Oh, no roadies?” pouts Pat. Of course not, says the butler, we’re not taking the Prius today, we’re taking the Bentley. Duh. Pat perks up at that: “Car-tinis!” she trills as they head to T-Rav’s plantation for the scandalous second christening of the most beautiful baby on the planet. Seriously, even Craig and Cameran cannot deny how beautiful T-Rav and Kathryn’s little Kensie is. 

Patricia and Cooper arrive via Bentley at the muggy, buggy event, and Kathryn wilts under her judgmental glare: “Patricia is very intimidating in her aura that she gives off when she’s around people,” says Kathryn. No wonder she feels intimidated. Patricia quickly runs down all her failures to the camera: “I have no idea who would have any event outside in August and I think that the decor leaves something to be desired. Kathryn, she definitely has a lot to learn.” Ouch.  

Patricia, Cooper, and the butler ditch the 200-degree outdoor party for the cool environs of T-Rav’s plantation kitchen and we learn some tricks of the queen’s trade: “One cannot drink cheap wine in the heat. I love the idea of being prepared, so Michael knows to bring my martini fixings with him.” And she heaps high praise on Robert the butler’s cocktail skills: “He has martini making down to a science.” 

As for what happened in the rest of the episode. We basically got caught up with our charming cast of characters. Here’s a rundown of what you need to know:

Cameran: Loves her new husband, hates vaginal birth, finds being a realtor hard, provides humorous and insightful commentary as the Greek chorus.

Thomas: Loves fatherhood, is running for U.S. Senate seat against Lindsey Graham, finds Kathryn difficult, does not want to get married.

Craig: Loves to party, hates to work, hates rules, drinks too much, chases tail, heads for rock bottom.

Kathryn: Loves T-Rav sorta, loves her baby, hates her post-baby body, hates living on a plantation in the boondocks, hates skinnier women and any lady who looks at T-Rav.  

Landon: Does not have a faux-hawk, does not have a secret married boyfriend, is an old friend of Shep’s and the replacement for Jenna.

Shep: Loves not having kids, loves himself unconditionally, loves his life.

Whitney: Loves his mommy, hates Kathryn and calls her a hillbilly femme fatale, claims to love T-Rav.

JD: Loves that T-Rav is now a dad, worries that T-Rav is in over his head, looks cool as a cucumber in a seersucker suit on a sweltering summer day.

Next week on Southern Charm: Cartwheels, Thomas’ Senate run, Craig’s train wreck, and the shameless strumpet .

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