Remember season one of Southern Charm where T-Rav threw dinner parties with the intention of “imparting some wisdom” and Shep said funny things? And we lived in the city instead of on some isolated plantation? And we didn’t have a baby to feed and dinner to cook? When we were all bar stars!? Yeah, I’m feeling wistfully nostalgic for the good old days. 

Tonight’s episode culminated in yet another fancy dinner party thrown by T-Rav. Unfortunately, it only resulted in the announcement of his candidacy for U.S. Senate, which is neither funny nor TV-friendly. It’s just downright dull since it’s clear that this run was all about giving Thomas a storyline for season two (we sense Whitney’s evil Iago whispers all over this one). Spoiler alert: T-Rav gets trounced like a trollop by incumbent Lindsey Graham. 

Speaking of trollops, before we ever get to dinner, we get to spend some quality time with his consort Kathryn Dennis, a wild filly that T-Rav is attempting to break without the benefit of a big old ring. This is a girl, unlike Cameran, who admits that she’s all about landing a rich husband. Why do you think she let him ride her bareback in the first place? Her lineage may go back 200 years in Charleston, but that doesn’t mean she has class or breeding now, as Ms. Pat points out. But to KD’s credit, she is trying very hard to prove herself to everyone. Just take a look at her fancy salmon dinner.

In an earnest attempt to prove to T-Rav that she is indeed the kind of girl you’d marry and not just knock up and sequester away in your country house, KD is working on her domestic skills. To that end, she squirts a pile of Duke’s mayo on some farmed salmon and covers it in lemon pepper. And then she gets the nanny to make the asparagus
Let’s stop here, though, and give T-Rav some help feeding that baby. First of all, sit down in a rocking chair or something. And stop bouncing her while she takes that bottle. And why the hell are you spinning the bottle around in her mouth? These two need more than a nanny — they need life coaches, parents, and siblings to intervene and help them out. But, oh no, they are surrounded by plotters and schemers. To wit, evil Whitney twirling his mustache on his mama’s couch and pretending to care deeply about T-Rav. Whitney plans to help him get to Washington. Beware T-Rav. Beware. 

So dinner plans. Dinner plans. Wine. Invites. Blah blah blah. 

People arrive. Talk shit. Pretend like they think T-Rav will announce his intention to marry KD, who comes to dinner looking like an angry Lizzie Borden ready to take an axe to that blonde who dared show up at her man’s party. Her school marm get-up signifies her desire to be the perfect political wife. 

Alas, Kathryn is plagued by the green-eyed monster. She can’t abide the oldish blonde. She’s trying to keep T-Rav under control. Whitney arrives and makes awkward talk. I won’t even go into his band name, which is so contrived and ridiculous. Then Thomas drops his not-so-exciting bomb of running for Senate and then they have a ridiculous chat about how he has a shot. And then Whitney creates more (intentionally scripted) awkwardness: challenging T-Rav’s intentions for KD. I’m starting to think that T-Rav is in on Whitney’s machinations and is intentionally toying with KD’s emotions. Or maybe they’re all in on it. In that case, it’s no wonder the drama and emotion feel so feigned. 

Southernisms. You could say, for some people, that the Southernisms that Cameram spews are the worst things about the South. People will say mean shit behind your back while smiling and dripping with honey and lying right to your face. The absolute worst. Bless their hearts.  

Cameran is blazing feminist trails in the South by not getting an MRS. degree. Even though she is a missus and has scored a doctor, Cameran will sell real estate, by god, and not depend on a man ’cause he could leave her or even croak tomorrow. I guess in Cameran’s world there is no alimony or insurance. Or maybe she doesn’t know about these real-world things. 

Landon is cute and smiley and got her old pal Shep to help her move onto a boat in Charleston Harbor. So far, she has not annoyed us at all. But she’s pretty dull compared to last season’s mohawked Jenna with her crystal meth vagina. Sigh.  

Patricia’s second butler will do things like extended chauffeuring, polishing the silver, dealing with the porcelains, cleaning the paintings with a sable brush, and serving breakfast in bed. Oh, and making a perfect martini at exactly 5 p.m. One of her husbands was the son or nephew or related to Ian Fleming and made perfect martinis. Pat says she can’t have too many butlers. Since she doesn’t have a husband right now, she fills the house up with butlers. She is definitely living the dream. 

Whitney writes the script to this show and has decided to give himself and his mom the best lines this season: Swanson Hungry-Man sized hangover, et al.  

Craig’s psychology is cracked open. His younger brother is better at everything: better looking, better at sports, better at keeping his shit together, better at pleasing his parents and taking over the family business. We bet he’d be better at taking the Bar too, even without law school. No wonder Craig’s getting the loser edit. He is a loser. 

Next week: Whitney convinces T-Rav that a commercial with him dancing with hot chicks is a solid political move. 

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