Kathryn has finally gotten what she wants. Or at least she thinks she has. Thomas has moved them into a cute little downtown carriage house, and she’s been taken bed shopping (shout out to local institution Morris Sokol). She loves her baby, seems to actually enjoy nesting, and is waiting for her man to treat her like she deserves. Trouble is, he’s just not that into her. This deluded narcissist has installed her downtown with plans to stay at the plantation two hours away. Essentially, he just wants to keep her out of his hair so he can focus on his doomed campaign. 

Shep, once again, cuts to the quick of the matter, telling Cameran about the one that got away and how he felt about her: “If she wasn’t happy, I couldn’t move or breathe or do anything until I made sure she was.”

That’s what a guy acts like when he’s into you. He doesn’t have his campaign manager block your calls and text you excuses. 

Speaking of campaign managers, this show has finally gotten a villain. While Patricia is somewhat villainous, it’s in a delicious Maleficent kind of way. She lives in her empty castle surrounded by minions and expensive things and tosses off mean comments about everyone around her, but we still like her because she’s mostly harmless. Her bon mots are benign. Amy, on the other hand, is simply unlikable, in a very brusque, lady-with-short-hair kind of way. Thomas has hired her to run his campaign — and to run interference with his baby mama. Total douche move.  

Amy either shares T-Rav’s delusion that he has a chance to win this election and beat the popular incumbent Lindsey Graham, or she’s just there for the paycheck. Either way, I hate her. As does Whitney. And Kathryn. And anyone else who has to deal with her. She’s the worst. 

I don’t know about you, but this show is starting to break my heart. The only one on here who’s actually vulnerable and bearing herself to the camera is our youngster Kathryn. Luckily, instead of judging and shunning, the other women have rallied around her, as good Southern girls are prone to do (see Scarlett and Melanie). 

Landon seems the most empathetic to Kathryn’s plight, but she says some super stupid stuff that makes me want to sink her boat in the harbor. Imagine the following being said in the most annoying valley girl lilt: “Kathryn, she’s a 23-year-old unwed mother in Charleston? She really doesn’t have any options but to try and make it work? What is she gonna do? Go like be a secretary somewhere and have like this baby on the side? I mean, that’s like not gonna fly for her? If I was her I would put all of my energy into making this relationship work.”

There is so much wrong with this on so many levels. First of all, this is spoken from a Southern girl who got an MRS degree, landed a rich husband at a young age, and ended up miserable and lonely. Of course, shiny things are what matter, and Landon gets all weepy and nostalgic about the big fat ring she was able to show off to the world. The only problem was that ring was attached to a guy who just wasn’t that into her. When you’re a trophy, you get put on the shelf and forgotten to collect dust. Why would she suggest Kathryn fight to make this relationship work? So she can get an alimony payday? It’s just so distasteful and everything wrong with how women are still being raised in the South. 

But that’s because no one wants their daughter to end up like Amy, so I get it. Brusque little Amy represents the quintessential career woman, all hard edges, short hair, and Publix sweatshirts (ick!).

Cut to the scene in Thomas’s strip mall suburban office with the two of them preparing for his commercial or debate or whatever, and it’s clear that these two are not the Atwater-Reagan power couple they think they are. 

The two hatch a plan for Thomas to get a hotel room. You see, he’s an old man with an infant and he can’t function without sleep. So he calls Kathryn and drops this on her in the coldest, least loving way possible:  “I’m not coming home tonight. I I have to prepare for the debate. I’m going to pick up some clothes for tomorrow. I don’t need chaos, I need peace, I mean, I need sleep. Today and tomorrow are two of the biggest days of the campaign.”

Kathryn sweetly says, “OK … blah blah blah,” hangs up, and then crumples into tears. Narcissists will only destroy those that try to love them, and Thomas is a cold-hearted, self-aggrandizing d-bag. Being a new mom is hard. Staying home with a baby is busy but boring. Having to do all this at 23 without emotional support from the father of the baby? I can’t even imagine. At least she’s got her mom who helps her by taking the baby so Kathryn can go out and get her groove on. I hope she and Craig have animal sex in public somewhere. 

Kathryn and Craig head to Shep’s birthday party, where there are poems, booby cakes, and the specter of age and loneliness hanging over everything. 

Next week: T-Rav lashes out and starts blaming everyone but himself for being a losing candidate. 

Tidbits we learned on this week’s show:

Whitney: He jets off to Europe to have photo ops with his beautiful girlfriend. He has an expensive truffle-hunting dog he doesn’t want that was a gift from mommy. He wore skinny jeans, boots, and a leather jacket (sans shirt) when he was 35 and struggling to find rock ‘n’ roll stardom in L.A. 

Patricia: This woman has so much money that it’s sort of grotesque. Handbags that cost as much as a house, dog therapies, and pet cemeteries. I’m sure she supports charities and gives away some money, so maybe the producers ought to show her supporting a charity or something so she doesn’t look so shallow and crass? Her showy wealth is starting to feel unseemly. 

Craig: He might just make a move on Kathryn. Enamored of his own youth and good looks, he seems the most sympathetic to the trap that Kathryn has caught herself in. Maybe he’ll help her gnaw that leg off and escape.

Shep: I think Shep got the loser edit this week. A birthday party that only castmates showed up to. An emotional flashback to the one that got away. The eye-rolling disdain of Craig. The constant lecturing. I mean, really, Shep is spewing way too much advice in this one for a guy who’s dicking around just as much as the other bros in this show. 

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