UPDATE: Authorities say the Ravenel Bridge will now reopen at some indefinite point later in the evening. If you’re commuting to Mt. P, well, you’re screwed.

The Ravenel Bridge is closed for the second time in a month. And while my colleagues in the Charleston media have reported that the bridge is closed because of a tractor trailer accident, I know better.

According to my sources, the Ravenel Bridge saw what happened several weeks ago when members of The Girls Rock Chapter of Black Lives Matter decided to block traffic on arguably the busiest stretch of highway in town in order to film themselves being manhandled by police officers — or something to that affect — and came to the conclusion that it, the Cuzway, needed to do something about the lack of justice right here in our community.

And so, approximately three hours, the Ravenel Bridge said enough’s enough. We’ve got problems right here in the Holy City and it starts with a capital T-Rav and that rhymes with, well, it really doesn’t rhyme with anything but it stands for “renewal.”

See, ladies and gentlemen, the Ravenel Bridge just got world that the third season of the much-beloved reality TV series Southern Charm is up in the air. Yes, one of the show’s players said the series had been given a season-three go, but another said that nothing had been been set in stone so far, except, one would imagine, Thomas Ravenel’s habit of winding up in the news for various and sundry reasons, the majority of which are, shall we say, slightly less embarrassing then getting a live colonoscopy on TV from a Brony in a Rainbow Dash costume and a penchant for reading mommy bloggers all day long — “Does this mean you’re going to snuggle with me tonight, Christian?’ Holy shit! Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. ‘No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t snuggle. I use Downy.'” 

Anyhow, the Ravenel Bridge is closed and it will remain closed until 4 p.m. and we the good people of the Charleston Metropolitan Area meet its demands. There are as follows: We must …

1. Renew Southern Charm.
2. Renew Southern Charm for a fourth season.
3. Reopen Jeni’s ice cream shop on King. 
4. Bring back Jenna King to Southern Charm … and feed her nothing but Jeni’s ice cream.
5. Bring back Hot Wheels.
6. Give it two cases of Mexican Cake.
7. And a James Beard Award.
8. Punch Josh Duggar in the nards.
9. Really hard.
10. Like until he vomits-his-testes-out hard.
11. Cancel Jim Morrison’s subscription to the resurrection.
12. Bring back Matlock, but only in Spanish … and as a porn parody … and only if we can line up Betty White, or an acceptable simulacrum of Betty White to star in it. 
13. Ban bro-collars from skateboarding around town in flip-flops.
14. Make mustard-based barbecue sauce a federal crime.
15. Reinstitute the draft, but only for those stupid punks who egged my car last night.
16. Allow Gronk to run for mayor and then summarily appoint him as mayor for life. 
17. Launch a coup against Gronk. Jesus, that dude overstayed his welcome faster than a chancre sore. 
18. Make a pinky swear to remain best friends with it … forever. 
19. Never ever drive a Prius.
20. Rub its feet.
21. Wash the dishes.
22. Take out the trash.
23. ***Psst, all of those are metaphors for renewing Southern Charm and/or punching Josh Duggar in the nuts***
24. Buy Lindsey Graham a ham biscuit.
25. Take a bite of Lindsey’s Graham’s ham biscuit.
26. And decide that, you know, you’re a ham biscuit lover after all.

So there you have it, Charleston. The ball’s in your court now.

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