Blotter of the Week: One man filled his pants with more than $100 worth of steak and shrimp before exiting a store with a bit of both surf and turf in his meat britches.

A group of men seemingly prepared for game day by entering a department store and loading up two charcoal grills and a couple of flat-screen televisions into shopping carts before exiting the store without paying.

An employee at a department store approached three customers to ask if they needed any assistance. In return for his service, the employee was pepper-sprayed by one of the shoppers. The group then grabbed a few pieces of merchandise before fleeing the scene.

A woman applying for an apartment was rejected due to her criminal record, which came as some surprise to the woman who said she had never even been arrested. According to the woman, an individual using her name and personal information has been arrested 20 times in Philadelphia on charges of prostitution, assault, and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Officers noticed a man attempting to open the door of a closed business late one night and decided to ask him a few questions. When the police asked the man if he was attempting to enter the closed store, he responded by balling up the bag of potato chips he had been eating and throwing it to the ground. The man then began to shout obscenities at the officers and informed them that he was a “Moorish American” who does not recognize the authority of law enforcement or the court.

The victim of a hit and run waited an hour to call police after the collision. When asked by an officer why there was such a delay, the man responded by saying, “I didn’t bother because no one would have showed up.”

A man claims that his Uber driver pushed him from the vehicle after he got into the wrong car. Due to his level of intoxication, the man jumped into a vehicle with two other people and thought that the driver was just headed in the wrong direction. The driver claimed that the man simply fell as he tried to exit the vehicle.

A woman called police to report that while she was shopping at a dollar store, an employee walked by and touched her butt. Upon questioning, the employee stated that he had assisted the woman in retrieving an item from the top shelf, and when passing by her in the aisle, his hand grazed her rear. The man claimed that he immediately apologized and went back to work. Police are still working to get to the bottom of the case.

An unconscious man was found lying in a roadway next to his vehicle, which was illegally parked and still running. While the man was being transported to the hospital, police searched the vehicle, finding a loaded pistol, several loaded magazines, and a large amount of cash. Later, when police called the hospital to follow up on the man’s condition, they were told that he had fled the building before receiving treatment.

A shoplifter paid for several items, but failed to pay for a salad that he consumed in the store. When questioned by police as to why he had paid for the other items, the man replied, “Can’t steal everything,” according to an incident report.

A man tussled with a few bouncers after they stopped him for attempting to walk out with a drink in his hand. The man later told police that he would “bury” the security staff who finally removed him from the bar. The officer told the man that he was “not going to bury anyone,” at which point the suspect looked the officer in the eye and said, “I can bury anyone.”

A woman violated a restraining order when she was found sitting on the object of her affection’s front porch rolling a cigarette. When asked by police why she had chosen to camp out at the victim’s residence, the woman said, “God sent me here,” according to an incident report.

A student’s wanted level increased dramatically when he was caught hiding marijuana inside of a case for the game Grand Theft Auto.

When asked by police if he had been drinking, a shirtless man who was found lying on the ground replied, “Is a pig’s ass pork?” according to an incident report.

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