Blotter o’ the Week: A man is suspected of eating stolen cakes in a gas station bathroom.

A man was spotted enjoying a 12-oz. beer and a Four Loko on the sidewalk on a sunny afternoon. When questioned by police, he responded that he was simply celebrating the birth of his daughter. Congratulations to the proud father.

A shoplifter decided to try his luck by rushing behind the counter at a convenience store and running off with $100 in cash and lottery tickets.

Police happened upon a man running around in the street, shouting nonsense, while exposing his genitals, according to an incident report. Police attempted to calm the man, but he responded by removing all the cash from his pockets and dancing on the street.

A man was arrested after receiving several citations for drinking alcohol on the street. Listed among his belongings was a book titled Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse One Beer at a Time. Apparently, the undead are less likely to attack if your brain is pickled in hooch.

During Christmas, a man noticed an extension cord stretching from his neighbor’s home to his back porch. Upon further investigation, the man realized his neighbor was stealing electricity from his home, which completely exhausted the man’s spirit of giving. The man wasn’t sure how long the cord was plugged into his home, but his next electricity bill was more than three times the usual amount.

A man rode his bike into an uncovered manhole. After reporting the danger to police, he was taken into custody when officers discovered that he had several outstanding warrants.

A man pulled over for expired tags was unapologetic about smoking marijuana in his car, arguing that he was “not in the state of South Carolina or on a public roadway,” according to an incident report. He added that he did not recognize the city of Charleston as a government but rather as a corporation.

A man refused to leave a Chinese restaurant 30 minutes after it had closed for the day. According to an incident report, the man proceeded to live stream the encounter on his cell phone and kept repeating the phrase “Racism in the South” as police tried to remove him from the restaurant.

A man at a downtown restaurant managed to run up a bill for $821 in food and drinks one evening. He was able to pay $320 of the total bill, but said his friends had run off before helping him settle up. From now on, he’ll probably be dining alone.

One officer opted to pen an incident report of the most ostentatious and verbose order. In his protracted bulletin, the loquacious constable wrote that some unknown person or persons had “purloined” a man’s clarinet that was resting by the roadway. Unfortunately for lovers of the arts, the woodwind brigand was able to escape scot-free.

A tenant reported a leak coming from the ceiling in his office. When the building owner climbed on top of the roof, he discovered the source of the leak: a bullet hole.

Numerous underage drinkers continue to present fake IDs to bouncers. Numerous underage drinkers continue to get caught.

According to an incident report, a drunk driver’s receipts from earlier in the evening gave away his recent bar tab, which included seven beers, two vodkas, and two tequilas.

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