[image-2]Breathe deep. Clear your thoughts. Southern Charm is returning April 3. There, it’s over. Now you know. But let’s talk about how this makes you feel.

A lot has changed in the world since season three of Southern Charm ended. America has a new president. Beyoncé is having twins. Some other things probably happened. I guess what I’m tying to say is I’m here for you, and we are going to make it through this fourth season of Southern Charm just like we did the last one — together.

Leading up to the big premiere in April, let’s take some time to figure out what we can expect this season, both in terms of what will happen on the show and in response to it. Loyal readers can expect a return of the City Paper’s weekly recap column “Confessions of a Southern Charm Newbie” wherein I stumble through summarizing what has happened on the show as well as offer whatever additional commentary is needed.

“But Dustin, how can you still be a newbie when you’ve already watched an entire season of the show?” you might ask.

That’s a great question.

Moving on, in addition to the usual barrage of negative comments arguing that even acknowledging Southern Charm is akin to cultural suicide, it seems inevitable that someone will respond to any new article about the show with that old chestnut: “Fake news!”

How soon until we see this? Will it happen on this very article? Because you know someone has that witty rejoinder loaded up and ready to go. Rest assured that this person likely showed up to their last family reunion uninvited. This is the type of person who aggressively explains to children that cartoons used to be much better when they were young. Don’t let these people distract you from enjoying a show you like. I’ll try not to let them distract me from writing about it. And centuries from now when Charleston is completely submerged in seawater and digital overlords harvest our teeth to fuel their calcium rays, humanity can look back fondly on a time when a reality show about dinner parties was enough to get people riled up.

So moving ahead, let’s check out the preview for the new season.

We start out with a few brief shots of carriage horses, so we definitely know we’re in Charleston, I guess. Then Shep — our dear Shep — leads a toast “To the bourgeoisie.” Apparently, during the off-season, Shep has seized the means of production. Remember everybody, “If there is hope, it lies in the proles.”

Then the cast is seen trekking deep into the woods with shotguns to sate their bloodlust, before hitting the dance floor to remedy their boogie fever. As viewers, we can also expect an upcoming episode that includes an “Indian healer” who is psychic.
Craig calls on this woman gifted with a sight that reaches beyond time and our feeble understanding of existence to ask if “anyone here has bad intentions for the group?”
The seer responds by making this face, which is all our faces.

Skipping ahead, Craig still doesn’t know about becoming a lawyer. Cameran has thrown away her birth control. Also, there is a new guy. Hey new guy. You seem OK. And I say that simply based on the fact that he isn’t actively whipping gravel at the faces of his castmates. The bar is very low. Try not to trip over it.

[image-5]Speaking of bars, we later see Cameran enter Shep’s apartment to find his kitchen counter littered with empty beer cans and cigarette butts. Also, there is some weird totem at the center of the mess, which makes it all look like some great offering to an old, forgotten god. Maybe we learn this season that Shep has ties to Quetzalcoatl. That would be something.

Anyway, like every episode of the show, the preview ends with everyone lobbing insults around a dinner table. Shep threatens someone, saying that if they mess with the bull, they will, in fact, get the horns. Perhaps Shep is a follower of Apis, ancient Egyptian bull deity and herald of Ptah. We’ll just have to tune in on April 3 to find out. Or you can just read the recaps. Either way is fine.

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