Blotter o’ the Week: Tensions erupted at a local pizza place as the entire staff on duty and a few friends got into a fist fight. This is another good reminder to lay off on the Crazy Bread.

After changing the locks to her apartment, a woman returned home to find her kitchen window unlocked and several items missing from her home. The woman later told police that she believed several beverages in her kitchen had been poisoned. After examining the bottles, an officer discovered that the drinks had been mixed with dish detergent, which was sitting out on the kitchen counter.

A man’s $3,000 Rolex watch went missing after he left it in a treadmill cup holder while he walked around the gym.

An intoxicated man found stumbling into traffic downtown offered an officer a pack of cigarettes when asked for identification. Since the suspect was not Joe Camel or the Marlboro Man, he was soon taken into custody.

A motorcyclist told police he had “just took a shot” after he was spotted racing his bike around downtown. Unfortunately, police were not impressed by the sick wheelies that he was popping up and down King Street.

A man returned home to find various items in his bedroom destroyed or damaged. The man told police that he believes the culprit to be his childhood friend who suspects him of stealing his basketball. The man also told police that his friend left him a voicemail, saying, “Let me know how you like the house renovation. Personally, I like it.”

A shoplifter removed several items from his pockets to make room for the bottles of foot cream and toothpaste he planned to steal. Among the items the man left behind were his wallet and driver’s license, which was used to identify the suspect who is likely recognizable from his smooth, creamy feet and dazzling smile.

Two dresses valued at a total of $4,000 were stolen from a downtown clothing store.

A pair of shoplifters entered a department store wearing small, black slippers. Once inside the store’s footwear department, the two men changed out of their slippers and placed on two new pairs of shoes before being quickly apprehended near the store’s exit.

After noticing some strange activity on his bank account, a man told police that he suspects his former girlfriend of taking copies of his old checks for “bargaining.”

After officers noticed the smell of marijuana coming from a vehicle during a traffic stop, the driver locked his car doors, rolled up all the windows, and refused to speak with police any further. After being arrested, the man told police he “needed to spit.” At this point, the man began to sweat and cough up a white substance in the backseat of the officer’s patrol car, which tested positive for cocaine.

In other bong-related news, a thief snatched a $70 water bong from a local shop and fled.

An officer responded to the scene of a verbal dispute between a couple after the boyfriend arrived home late from work. The boyfriend told police that his girlfriend is “artistic, on medication, and she had been drinking.” The girlfriend, although renowned for her artistic spirit, said she just wanted him to leave.

According to an incident report, a woman suspects that movers stole approximately $18,000 worth of jewelry from her home, along with $300 worth of Percocet.

Proving that someone in town arrived empty-handed to what would have been a stellar hangout session, a man turned over an orange duffle bag he had discovered containing a Playstation 4, two water bongs, and pills.

An intoxicated woman was in the process of being removed from a hotel when she informed an officer that she would “kick the shit out of your little peon self,” according to an incident report.

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