Blotter o’ the Week: A woman called police after receiving a disturbing package in the mail. The shipment was addressed to her infant daughter and inside was an 8-inch silver and gold knife that neither she nor the infant had ordered.

A man invited his neighbor to his wife’s birthday, but the community get-together quickly went off the rails after the neighbor proceeded to drink heavily and get overly friendly with the female guests. An officer soon arrived and was told by several party guests that the man repeatedly told them that “if he wanted them dead, they would be dead,” according to an incident report. No word on if the man even brought a gift or entree to the soiree.

Police responded to reports of a verbal disturbance at a high school. There they found a woman who said she was waiting at the school in an effort to catch her husband, who she believes has been having an affair with her cousin. According to the cousin, the wife had been following her and the husband, at one point corning the two in their vehicle and shouting “If you gave me an STD, I’m going to beat your ass.”

Police were called after an intoxicated woman attempted to fight other patrons in a bar late one evening. An officer arrived to find the woman lying on the ground screaming unintelligibly, but police noted that she began swinging once again after being helped to her feet. The woman was later detained by police after they found her walking in the middle of the Crosstown.

Police were called regarding approximately $300 worth of stolen dirt. According to an incident report, the entire situation was a simple misunderstanding and the suspect agreed to pay for all the dirt he had taken.

Suspects made a very low-speed getaway after stealing a golf cart from a locked garage.

A woman called police after receiving several text messages, stating, “I’m your stalker” and “I can see you.” According to the woman, the mystery caller lost his gumption after she mentioned that the authorities would be involved. The caller then messaged, “I’m a kid,” “It was a joke,” and “I have the wrong number.”

An intoxicated man stumbling back to his vehicle attempted to bribe a group of nearby officers, offering to take them out to eat. When officers reminded the man that he was too intoxicated to drive, he became angry, informing the police that he was both a U.S. Marshal and an FBI agent from New York.

A woman received a call from a stranger claiming that her grandson had been arrested in New York City and he would need $4,000 for bail. The caller, who identified himself as a semi-retired lawyer and friend of one of the grandson’s cellmates also told the woman that the easiest way to send the money would be for her to purchase a Target gift card. After receiving the card information, the man later called back, saying that the woman’s grandson had miraculously been released from jail, but he would need another $5,000 to pay for a drug test. Luckily, the crackerjack team at Target would not allow the woman to purchase any more gift cards. It later turned out that the grandson had been in Indiana the entire time.

Bouncers at a strip club told police that they were forced to physically remove a patron earlier in the night after he made multiple attempts to solicit dancers for prostitution and refused to keep his feet off the stage. The man later returned to the bar and complained to an officer that he had been assaulted for no reason by bouncers at the club. Officers later reviewed the security footage from inside the club, which supported the bouncers’ story and showed the man warning staff “I’ve got something for you in my car” before being forced out of the bar.

One couple returned home to find that burglars had made off with their $600 crossbow and $300 worth of commemorative coins.

A drunk driver was pulled over for speeding late one night. The woman told police that she was “super sorry about that,” but she was rushing to get her friend home. A quick look around the vehicle revealed that there were no passengers in the car.

An off-duty stripper attacked a cab driver with her stiletto heels outside of a gas station at 4:35 a.m.

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