Blotter o’ the Week: A man urinated in a sink that was not inside of the bathroom in a King Street establishment. When an officer arrived, the man looked at him with bloodshot eyes and asked, “Where else was I supposed to go?”

A man called the cops on his ex after she sent him a string of concerning texts, including one that read, “With my last breath: I love you. I’m sorry that I was never enough.” If you’re going to be extra, make sure you don’t indict yourself in the process.

Officers caught a woman a few blocks down from the King Street store where she had stolen a bag minutes earlier. This will hopefully teach her about the virtues of honesty — and getaway cars.

A man was arrested for public intoxication after he was found walking down Bogard Street yelling at passing cars. When officers asked him why he later yelled at his own Uber, he responded, “Because it’s too expensive.”

A man called authorities after a bullet shot through a wall shared with the apartment unit next door, which he assumed to be empty. Either his neighbors are violent squatters or a ghost really doesn’t like his taste in music.

Parents were frightened upon discovering their son’s weed stash. They told an officer that earlier that night, their son filled every cup in the kitchen with water while listening to “angry music.” We definitely can’t relate.

When a gas station clerk clarified that they don’t exchange alcohol for products, a couple became irate. When the same couple went back to the store two weeks later, the woman threatened the clerk by saying, “Bitch, I bake the biscuits at Hardees, and if you come in there, you will surely get served the special biscuit.” Paging Bad Girls Club. We need this woman in the next cast after the year we’ve been through.

In Doggie Crimes: a pit bull mix bit a yellow Labrador mix while both were being walked one afternoon. Despite this being a case of dog-on-dog crime, both owners were cited for not providing proof of rabies vaccinations.

An aggressive bar patron broke down into tears as officers tried calming him down, yelling, “Shut up, you don’t care about me!” We all need love; we just have different ways of expressing it.

More Victoria’s Secret thefts! This time, they total to almost $3,000. Among the items are six sweatpants, six sweatshirts, six long sleeve pajama pants, and eight long-sleeved T-shirts. We’re telling you, these Legally Blonde sorority scenes are going to slay.

A man claiming to be a representative from SCE&G is calling people and claiming that they need to pay fraudulent overdue charges. The public utility could just be getting desperate in its attempts to recover costs from V.C. Summer.

In case women don’t have enough reasons to be justifiably terrified of men: A woman noticed that she was being followed by a familiar vehicle and pulled over in a public parking lot. The truck parked nose-to-nose with her car, and her ex-boyfriend emerged from it to puncture her front tire.

Police were called to a local middle school when two students circulated a nude photo of a 12-year-old girl from a different school via Snapchat. This is why it is this newspaper’s stance to keep smartphones away from the underage.

A man who caused a four-vehicle collision near King and Mary streets claimed that “black people” were out to get him. When asked how he thought he did on his sobriety test, he responded, “probably exceptional.” This is where Arrested Development‘s Ron Howard would jump in to deny that.

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