Blotter o’ the Week: A man in his 40s tried to steal a butane torch and a pack of Pokémon cards from a store in what we can only assume is an attempt to give some verisimilitude to the fire type cards.

A belligerent woman who was seen striking a man in the street, seemingly unprovoked, complained that the officer arresting her was just “trying to make a quota,” proving that it sometimes takes an unorthodox mind to arrive at the truth.

A meal at a local pizza joint turned very stressful when a woman realized she lost her $700 iPhone in the restaurant.

A drunk woman couldn’t find her car downtown and reported it stolen. Officers then arrested her for public intoxication when they located the vehicle.

A security officer in an upscale downtown hotel noticed two men shaking a door handle and trying to enter a locked room. No such reports were heard of at the Holiday Inn.

A woman lost her $10,000 mink jacket at a downtown theater after she forgot to retrieve it from the coat rack.

A couple found a strange purse in their backyard and called the authorities to report it. Inside the purse were a Bath & Body Works body mist, a scratch-off ticket, a “torn up $5 bill,” a pair of socks, and a Kotex.

The climax of a clash between Trump supporters and protesters on the Battery was reached with the phrase, “If you touch my dog, I’ll slit your throat.”

A group of people walked into a Market Street restaurant to celebrate a 21st birthday. When the birthday boy walked out and his card on file was declined, his friends darted blank stares at each other before leaving the restaurant with the $85 bill.

This week in Victoria’s Secret thefts: six pairs of sweatpants, nine sweatshirts, and three black long-sleeved T-shirts with floral print on the sleeves. Total value: $948.

This week in fake money: A Chinese food order worth $35.59, a fake $100 bill printed with the words “For Motion Picture Purposes,” and one angry manager. If the USPS can pay for The Inspectors, can we get the Secret Service to pay for a new show titled Counterfeit Charleston? We’re open to other working titles.

A homeless woman with a “bowl cut” snatched a man’s wallet in an elevator…is the opening scene of the next season of American Horror Story.

The father of the year is a man who, in trying to convince his ex-girlfriend to drop charges she filed against him, threatened her at the hospital where their daughter was having surgery, therefore violating his restraining order.

A woman discovered that an SCE&G account with an outstanding balance of $860 had been opened under her name in Ladson. Simple identity theft, or crafty corporate maneuver to pay down the V.C. Summer debt?

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