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Alright, hey everybody. In what you will soon learn to be totally apropos for this week’s episode, I am writing you from a hotel bathroom at 2 a.m. While I wish this were the result of some purist artistic exercise, it’s actually just the way things shook out. The good news is I can say that we are doing our part to conserve water and energy resources, and towels and linens will be replaced every third day of our visit. You’re welcome, Mother Earth. Now onto the show.

This week’s installment of Southern Charm turns out to be a transitional episode, bypassing the usual absurd celebration for a dual outing of the male and female cast. But to begin things on an important note, we get a nice healthy installment of Michael the Butler early on. I know. Blessings overflow.

Beginning at Cameran’s house, we see our very pregnant star perform some prenatal exercises when there is a knock at the door. Who is paying a visit, but Michael. And he brought a fresh roll of paper towels.

Apparently, Patricia has loaned Michael’s services to Cameran during the latter days of her pregnancy. The paper towels, you ask? Well, the last time Michael was at Cameran’s home, she ran out of paper towels. That shit would never happen on Michael’s watch. Michael is the reason Amazon is nervous. He remains a perfect human being prepared to restock your cleaning supplies with little to no notice. He’s like one of the legendary birds from Pokemon, majestic and powerful. While the remainder of the episode should be Michael enacting some long-forgotten Native American birthing ritual, he is instead met with a befuddled Cameran who has no idea how to utilize a man of his talents.

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“I always find things to do and just do them,” Michael tells Cameran. He is the living antithesis of Bartleby the Scrivener.

This exchange largely takes place as Cameran unpacks a box of utensils intended for the creation of homemade baby food. Being a person of sound mind and reason, Cameran says that she intends to just buy her baby food at the store. I fully support this, because the only enjoyable part of early parenthood is desperately eating tiny jars of cinnamon apples while your child sleeps.

Michael interjects to say that people who are “well to do” have their chefs and assistant chefs puree homemade baby food. Like Cameran, I can’t imagine asking a trained professional to craft food for someone who has no teeth. Really, the most protective thing I can imagine baby-wise is not placing a set of Xbox headphones on them while my friend plays Halo online. Seriously though, we had babies all around when we were teens. Those kids are practically grown now and doing fine. Yes, they are super concerned about being shot, but each generation has its own thing.

Back to the show, Michael is met with the question, “Do you rub feet?”

I love this. Cameran poses this question in a way that makes it sound like she wants Michael to lead a bank heist. Michael agrees to rub her feet, but Cameran decides to offer up more details.

Apparently, her husband refuses to rub her feet, which in my opinion is bullshit. I’m just going to go ahead and say it, just rub her feet. Maybe because I grew up in a home without proper boundaries, but I rubbed all kinds of feet when I was growing up. Some pregnant. Some not. Either way, I’m glad Cameran found a guardian angel ready to rub her feet. If you walk away from this episode with one assurance, let it be that.

Moving on, we find Craig FaceTiming with his parents. The main point of importance during this conversation is that Craig recently encountered an Uber driver who also doubles as a life coach. Craig is entertaining the idea of calling this guy back for some life-coaching, but maybe instead he could lie down and go to sleep in a busy intersection. Yes, I know that randomly assigned drivers seem like they know what should be happening with your lives, maybe just ask anyone else?

Anyway, Thomas and JD then meet up for dinner to discuss JD’s tenuous relationship with his estranged wife. Not much happens here other than Thomas offers a ton of advice, which should be considered a warning.

If at any point in your life you find yourself sitting down and seriously considering life advice from Thomas Ravenel, walk away and go check yourself into a place that it’s hard to walk out of.

Skipping ahead, we find Kathryn having a chat with Cameran. Kathryn is sad that she couldn’t attend Cameran’s baby shower in last week’s episode. Otherwise, the only point of interest is that Kathryn has scheduled a lunch with Thomas’ new girlfriend, Ashley. This should be whatever the opposite of fun is.

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We then find Shep meeting up with Peyton, one of the finalists from Shep’s spinoff series RelationShep. While I can’t imagine maintaining a friendship with someone I kicked off of my personal reality show, Peyton has relocated to Charleston, and her and Shep have kept things cordial. If memory serves correct, Peyton was an actress/doggie daycare worker in California. She has managed to find another canine-related career in Charleston and shares that she was peed on by the same Great Dane twice in one day. Also, she and Austen are seeing each other, so she’s really getting the full Charleston experience.

Finally, the lunch between Kathryn and Ashley is upon us. Ever the diplomat, Kathryn is wearing a T-shirt that reads “Huge fan of space, both outer and personal” in huge block letters. Ashley starts things off by inquiring about Kathryn’s height as if she is fitting Kathryn for a coffin or something. To make things more awkward, Ashley asks Kathryn if she’ll be having a cocktail for lunch. Kathryn, who is sober following a stint in rehab, makes it clear that she will not. Great lunch, guys.

Moving on in this episode’s seemingly endless string of mid-day meals, Cameran meets up with Danni and the also pregnant newcomer Leva. Danni orders a massive glass of wine and allows the pregnant duo across the table a sniff. Cameran mentions “pumping and dumping” to Leva. Danni is unfamiliar with this concept, and her pregnant lunchmates have to explain that alcohol ends up in your breastmilk, so you have to pump it out rather than feed your baby a ton of boob-wine.

Danni, hopefully losing her place on the babysitting dance card, suggests that alcohol might help the baby sleep. Yes, Danni. So would a fistful of Tylenol PM.

Taking a trip to the beach, we find Chelsea meeting with her dad for a spot of fishing. Chelsea’s dad may be the original Kenny Chesney. They split a six-pack, and he offers up a flask of tequila. They discuss Chelsea’s fractured relationship with Austen, who we will later see has thrust himself fully into the dating pool.

The main focus of the rest of this week’s episode is separate outings led by Kathryn and Austen. Leading up to her ladies night out, Kathryn checks into the largest hotel room you’ve ever seen. Seriously, it’s massive. To celebrate such a majestic hotel room, Kathryn and Danni strip all the sheets and pillows from the bed and pile them in the floor. This way everyone can be less comfortable, but close together, I guess.

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Gearing up for a night out with the guys, we join Thomas at his home. Ashley has just received a package of fake mug shot accessories, including placards that read “Trophy Wife” and “Gold Digger.” She explains that these are props for an upcoming bachelorette party, but also maybe life. The best part is when she jokingly references that Thomas had to take a real mug shot, which the good folks at Bravo then flash across the screen. Thanks, Bravo production team. You are ruthless.

Before heading out for the evening, Kathryn and Danni are joined by Chelsea and Naomie. They proceed to drink wine and get lost in their cavernous hotel room.

Over on the guy’s side, Austen is met by Craig, Shep, Thomas, and Whitney. Upon entering the restaurant, Thomas shouts “A shot and a beer” at everyone in earshot like a deranged uncle at a wedding. We soon learn that this evening’s outing was planned by Austen as a way to re-introduce Craig to the dating pool. Not prepared to give up on his relationship with Naomie, Craig maintains a dead-eyed stare throughout the evening as his friends offer up increasingly bad dating advice. The worst of this comes from Thomas, who talks as if he tools around town in a windowless van, hoping to lure in tourists. In his opinion, women love “boldness,” which apparently means rushing up to them and their boyfriends while they are eating and declaring that you want to “meet them.” Thomas also advises “cutting in” on women and their dance partners because he learned all his dating moves during USO shows in the 1950s.

In an optimistic note, everyone else at the table remarks on how outdated Thomas’ dating advice is. If there is one hopeful thing that can be taken from this season of Southern Charm, it’s that men should no longer be allowed to just interrupt the dinners of any woman they find attractive.

Back at the girl’s night, the ladies arrive at dinner and Danni announces that she is fiending for some cheese. With drinks ordered, the conversation quickly turns to matters of the flesh. Apparently Danni has been having sexual encounters with a former boyfriend. Everyone is shocked, for some reason. I don’t know why, and the show cares even less about what Danni does in her day-to-day life.

While all this is going on, the waiter — the poor, poor, waiter — is trying to do that thing where he shows you the bottle of wine you ordered, but everyone at the table is too busy discussing how it’s been six months since Naomie last had intercourse. A prisoner of circumstances beyond his control, all the waiter can do is stand awkwardly until someone nods at the bottle of wine and frees him from his own personal hell.

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Dry spells aside, the women share a laugh as they discuss vibrators, while the waiter smiles politely, wishing he had fallen into an open manhole on the way to work that evening.

After explaining that she received a late-night message from Craig, Naomie reveals that she once stole Craig’s phone while he was sleeping and can now track his every movement. This is, umm, unhealthy to say the least. Everyone at the table laughs it off, but imagine the shoe was on the other foot and Craig had installed cameras in all the bathroom mirrors, and things would take a decidedly darker tone.

Anyway, Craig eventually declares his evening out with the boys to be the most hellish night of his life, which is probably accurate. He just wants to sit at home, make pillows, and pine over Naomie. Just let the guy make his pillows.

Thankfully, Whitney calls it a night and we catch back up with Craig the next morning.

While Chelsea cuts his hair, Craig receives a text from Naomie. She wants to discuss their relationship over dinner.

Meeting up creekside, Craig tells Naomie that he wants her back, but they soon revert back to their old grievances. Naomie wants Craig to be more driven, and all Craig can do is say that he is hiring an Uber driver to be his life coach. This fight appears to be the final nail in the coffin of their relationship, as Naomie walks away and Craig talks aloud to an empty seat.

That’s all for this week. No big parties. No grand gestures. Just another break-up. See you all next week when Danni gives a baby a beer and Thomas tries to 23 skidoo his way into someone else’s date.


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