Blotter o’ the Week: An employee at a James Island pizzeria was clearing a table when a customer’s dog bit him in the shoulder twice, proving that “dog-friendly” doesn’t necessarily mean “friendly dogs.”

Shortly after stealing a $60 pair of jeans, this suspect spoke to our inner reward system when he “fled the area on foot heading towards Chick-Fil-A.”

A bus heading to James Island Charter High was stopped and searched by officers after an anonymous tip received at 6:45 a.m. claimed that some students were “making statements about having guns in their backpacks and that they are going to shoot up the bus.”

An officer stopped two men walking down the street at night by asking, “Hey guys can we talk to you for a second?” No.

When an officer noticed a beer can in a driver’s cup holder, the driver promptly advised him that “it was from earlier,” because we all know infractions are invalid if you can prove you committed them earlier. Also, the can was cold.

Two men picked up two cases of Hennessy, a total of 24 bottles, from a West Ashley liquor store and walked out. Total value: $1,272. Sheer joy of turning up without a hit to your wallet: Priceless.

A James Island woman got a Facebook message from her stepdaughter’s account reading, “bitch die so we can get our daddy back.” She believes the message was actually sent to her by the girl’s mother, and now we’re almost too heartbroken to continue this section.

A man stole two containers of Tide detergent from a downtown gas station, but based on the rules of human compassion for someone reduced to stealing detergent from a gas station, he should probably be allowed to keep them.

An officer took a relatively graphic approach to a public urination report, writing that he noticed a suspect “manipulating his groin in a manner consistent with unbuttoning his pants fly for the purpose of urinating.”

A woman stole either French bread or a pizza from a pharmacy’s freezer section along with the cheese packet out of a mac & cheese box — the rest of the container was found shredded open in the aisle by this insatiable culinary terrorist.

A recent incident between two neighbor’s pets prompted this angry phone call on James Island: “If your dog comes back on my property, I will use a pitchfork on him and a bat on your kids.”

A man went up to another guy having lunch at a downtown food bank, placed a bullet on the table, and told him, “I have something hot for your ass.” A slight shift in props would have significantly changed the meaning, and perhaps the outcome, of that exchange.

A man busted for weed said, “I also have something else.” Ecstasy. It was ecstasy.

A man had his $1,200 MacBook stolen from the parking lot of a Hampton Inn in West Ashley. He didn’t remember whether or not he locked his car. How about them Apples?

A woman noticed that a 40-year-old white guy parked behind her on the corner of Warren and Saint Phillip streets was masturbating and staring directly at her. In an inspiring act of teamwork, she texted her roommate so that they could walk behind the man’s truck together and jot down his license plate.

A man was posted up outside of a downtown Baptist church pouring shots of 80 proof Boston Rock & Rye into a white cup. We knew the religion’s views on alcohol consumption were evolving, but we didn’t quite anticipate this wholehearted embrace.

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