The Blotter is taken from Charleston Police Department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Blotter o’ the week: A woman was in the process of slicing her boyfriend’s pants with a knife when he kicked their apartment door in. They got into a fight, during which he threw a 55-inch TV and a cookie jar at her. Officers later found him sitting outside of the apartment with possible stab wounds.

When an officer told a man that it’s illegal to drink in public, he replied that he had just bought the drink and was just trying to enjoy it.

A known vagrant took a shit in a downtown hotel courtyard. Surveillance footage shows that “a brown liquid stream exited expeditiously from his anus” and “splattered on the brickwork.”

A man stole a pack of cigarettes and assaulted a clerk at a West Ashley gas station that he was already on trespass notice from. When the clerk followed him outside, the man said, “I stole a lighter too bitch,” and walked away.

Someone stole five air conditioners worth a combined $3,500 from a downtown inn. The units were swiped from the hotel’s loading dock, and management suspects that a recently hired employee was responsible.

A convenience store employee was caught on video writing herself fake money orders. She embezzled close to $4,000. On the day that her manager fired her and called the police, he noticed that she drove to work in a new car with the pricing still on the windshield.

After he was confronted about illegally selling palmetto roses at the City Market, a teenager told an officer that he was going to “either stab you or shoot you, I don’t know which.”

A man at a downtown convenience store asked to see menthol Juul pods, took them, and ran out the door.

A restaurant employee had his iPhone X stolen from a table in the dining room, where he left it while he was doing side work in the back.

This week in Victoria’s Secret thefts: A man stood guard and a woman distracted staff while two others filled several blue plastic bags with 16 leggings, 10 tank tops, two sports bras, and one pair of bike shorts. Total value: $1,020.

A man was arrested after attracting a crowd of 50 to 75 people during an outdoor verbal altercation with a woman. When officers separated them, he started yelling about her sex life and calling her a whore.

Officers located a shoplifter at a King Street makeup store minutes after he stole shoes from a nearby retail store.

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