Welcome back, everyone. If you’ll remember where we left off last week, the gang arrived in Colorado, and Craig agreed to ski the king of the mountain in order to save the local rec center. Meanwhile, Shep was trying to rekindle the relationship he had with the brainy ski instructor who took off her glasses and, oh wait, she’s a total hottie.
This week, we’ll see if they can win first prize in the slalom competition and prevent the evil corporation from buying Fun Times Mountain.
Continuing our whirlwind Colorado vacation, the cast gathers for breakfast. Craig makes a Paul Bunyon-sized mound of scrambled eggs, but stops just short of strapping on his butter skates and sliding across a gigantic griddle. He also manages to wait five whole seconds before asking Austen if he and his ex-girlfriend Madison went full coit last night. Really everyone on this show is playing a game that only they know about, and it is to see who can commit sex mistakes the fastest.
We soon learn that everyone on this trip is at differing levels of experience when it comes to skiing, so someone is 100 percent going to pull a Sonny Bono. Cameran is already envisioning her child growing up motherless and her husband remarrying. Meanwhile Kathryn is dressed like Ned Flanders from that skiing episode of the Simpsons.
Our skiers divide themselves, with the advanced group going off on their own and the novices going along with some guides so they can learn when to pizza and when to French fry. Due to Shep’s recent knee injury, he joins Whitney for lunch. Whitney immediately pulls out two canisters of oxygen for them to huff on. He acts like this is because of the high altitude, but of course, Whitney carries his own oxygen. He must be careful not to inhale any Earth pathogens.
Our beginners course members manage to slip and fall in ways that prove non-injurious, and Cameran laughs so hard she wets herself a little. As I’ve said before, that’s what motherhood is all about. You have your laugh-pees. They are a hell of a lot better than the cry-farts.
As everyone wraps up their day on the mountain, we join a private gondola ride with Danni and Kathryn. Kathryn reveals her discomfort as the evening’s dinner plans, which involves a marijuana-infused meal. As a recovering addict, Kathryn doesn’t want to be around any more temptation than she already is. She calls this the “white elephant in the room,” which is to say it is that game you play at office Christmas parties where everyone trades not acknowledging obvious and uncomfortable truths.
Speaking of uncomfortable truths, Kathryn and Danni then begin discussing Whitney’s strange denial that he and Kathryn coited recently. Kathryn shares the texts that Whitney sent her, begging that she come over to his place. This includes such deal-sealing lines like, “Baby, my shit is asleep or waiting for you. But will be here for you.” Kathryn then clarifies that by “my shit” Whitney means his penis. In terms of pick-up lines, this is less Andrew Marvell’s “To His Coy Mistress” and more an unused Old Dirty Bastard track.
Back in Charleston, we join Naomie as she receives an unsolicited call from Ashley, Thomas Ravenel’s ex-girlfriend. Ashley says she wants to sit down with Naomie over a drink so that she can explain why she called her a bitch recently. I feel like this is a common request from Ashley.
Meeting at a bar, Ashley offers Naomie a non-apology, also known as an apologia, saying that they are just “such strong women” and maybe she meant that Naomie was the “good type of bitch.” Ashley goes on to ask Naomie how she can get back in Kathryn’s good graces. Naomie says that is never going to happen.
Also, why does that need to happen? What does Ashley have to gain from this? Go out and find new people to turn against yourself, Ashley. Spread those wings, and be whatever the bad version of a butterfly is. A WASP? Ohhhhhhhh.
Hopping back to Colorado, folks are amped about the chef coming over to cook the, as Shep says, “weed dinner.” In a state of over excitement, Austen rings a large, prominently placed bell located inside the bar. We soon learn that this means he will buy a round for everyone in the bar. This is a sound business mind at work. Shockingly, the total cost is only $250, which means everyone is probably drinking whatever they strain out of Kentucky Gentleman. Yes, Kentucky Gentleman, $13 a handle and the official drink of Confessions of a Southern Charm Newbie.
Finally, it is time for the weed dinner, and Shep is looking to get faded. I mean, my man is on the choongs tonight. He is gonna have some left-handed cigarettes and get bouldered at the bake sale, if you know what I mean.
Now that he’s gone friendo with the endo, Shep admits to Madison that he thinks she’s cool, but that she also toyed with Austen’s emotions. Reasonably so, Madison is still offended that Shep called her white trash. She declares him a bad influence on Austen. Eventually, Shep and Madison label each other the root of all Austen’s problems.
Their argument is cut short as it’s time for dinner. Everyone gathers at the table for four courses of that sweet, stank, sour diesel. The decision is made not to say a blessing over the weed dinner, and everyone proceeds to get tatered.
With meal options that both include and don’t include marijuana in any way available at this dinner, Kathryn has decided to ensnare Austen in a passive aggressive trap. After asking if he was the one who arranged the dinner, Kathryn tells Austen, “I just wanted you to know that I’m OK with being around it. Cause it’s not awkward.”
Of course, she could have said this at any moment before or after the actual meal. But how would that be the best way to make her “friend” feel as bad as possible. Austen immediately apologizes, and Kathryn acts like she didn’t intend anything malicious, so there. We arrive at the usual destination for all Southern Charm interactions: Both parties manage to prove that they can be equally petty and unthoughtful toward one another. Kathryn leaves dinner early after looking up old articles wherein Whitney insulted her for her drug use. The events of this show are a Rube Goldberg machine of shitty behavior.
The best part of the dinner comes when Eliza’s straight-laced boyfriend Don is asked if he had any of the drug food, to which he replies, “I don’t want to get as stoned as a goat like you animals.” This is great. Don seems like an alright dude, but he also seems like the type of guy who lost half of his belt buckle collection in the divorce.
That’s it for this week, everybody. Stay frosty. Stay cool. Support City Paper. City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.
Stay cool. Support City Paper.
City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.