Steve Stegelin

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Blotter o’ the week: One man known only by his first name likes to hang out at the park, is easily identifiable by anyone on Morris Street, and has swung a two-by-four at people while “playing with his member” in public, according to police.

While officers were questioning the driver of a presumably stolen vehicle, he admitted to having just finished smoking. When officers asked what he had been smoking, the driver nonchalantly answered, “Crack.”

A man’s credit card was reported stolen after the card was used by the suspected thief to order DoorDash from a popular fast food restaurant. At least the thief is complying with social distancing guidelines.

One fast food joint apparently needed to pick up the pace, and officers had to knock on the window of a car to wake a driver who fell asleep in the drive-through line. Sure, she had her excuses, like having just had a baby a few months ago, but then officers found the alcohol.

Headline: Local man who left his car parked in the driveway unlocked with a spare key inside is surprised when it is stolen.

Officers took one look at the driver of a particular truck and immediately asked if he would be willing to take a field sobriety test. Their reasons: his pants were unzipped, his belt was hanging down, and he was not wearing any shoes.

A West Ashley woman didn’t notice her vehicle was on fire in her driveway until police and fire trucks showed up to extinguish it. The victim told officers that she’s had a history of problems related to the vehicle with her ex-boyfriend, but she doesn’t know if it was him that set the car on fire. We wish we were this blissfully unaware of things falling apart around us.

A firearm with the name “Felicia” engraved in its handle was stolen from a vehicle in West Ashley. We know the meme is dead, but, “Bye, Felicia.”

Two firearms were stolen from motor vehicles in the last week, in addition to “Felicia.” (See above.)

Officers responded to a complaint about narcotics being used by a man with a firearm downtown. When officers approached the suspect, he began patting his hip and walking away, which apparently means “I have a gun” in every language. Police read the signal and searched the suspect, finding a firearm, cocaine, and marijuana. Shouldn’t have done the hip thing, dude.

The likely exchange between an officer and the driver of one illegally parked car was initially going so well for the driver. That car was dead. (Confirmed.) The tags pointed to someone in Philadelphia, but the driver recently bought it on Craigslist. (Checks out.) But then the officer found the alcohol.


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