Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Dec. 8 and Dec. 13. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Officers responded to a small gathering around a man attempting to remove a manhole cover at a West Ashley intersection, claiming he discovered a pathway to other dimensions using the Greek alphabet. God, we hope he is right.

Officers pulled over a woman downtown for suspected driving under the influence after she attempted to slowly drive through a closed gate. During the interaction, she gave the officer all necessary documents, but continued looking for her “papers” throughout the conversation. One too many eggnogs.

A man had his $500 sunglasses stolen from his Ford Fiesta downtown. Not that big of a deal, winter is here, and the sun is gone. Oh, the report said the thief also took his coat. Bad luck, man.

A West Ashley woman believed her upstairs apartment neighbor stole a package meant for her containing a dream catcher and a Christmas ornament sent by her mom. It’s sad, but it’s like our grandmas always told us, there are plenty of ornaments on the tree.

A downtown corner store reported a man came in and stole two vape pens before running down the street. Well, at least he’s not smoking cigarettes.

Another report detailed a separate corner store owner having had an altercation with a man of similar description to the previous shoplifting. The man reportedly threatened to rob the store before riding away on a bicycle. Dude must be having vape withdrawal.

Officers checked in on an idling vehicle downtown and found a man holding a can of air freshener with traces of weed on his pants. He said, “I’m just going to be honest; I was getting ready to smoke.” Yeah, I think they got that.

Another $758 in perfume was taken from the same downtown lingerie store featured in previous Blotters. At this point, we just have a slot reserved for the update because we just know that readers would go nuts without it.

A downtown woman told officers she didn’t immediately report her vehicle stolen because she hoped “it would show back up.” One too many viewings of Herbie the Lovebug.

A West Ashley woman told officers she hadn’t had any drinks that night after being pulled over. After she failed the field sobriety test, she admitted to having had two glasses of Champagne. After failing a breathalyzer test, she admitted to having two bottles. The truth shall set you free … but it can also get you arrested.

A Mount Pleasant construction worker reported his rented truck had its catalytic converter cut off and stolen, and now it’s even louder than before. We aren’t sure who is more upset by this, the rental company, or everyone else who has to share the road with that truck.

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