Illustrations by Steve Stegelin

The blotter is taken from 2021 reports filed with Charleston Police Department.

A West Ashley man who was suspected of being high on bath salts charged at bystanders and yelled, “I have something for you,” before chucking a battery in their direction. Someone call the North Pole and tell the elves to stop giving Santa bath salts, please. It’s only March.

Police removed a heavily inebriated woman from a downtown bar despite her repeated threats to “ice them” and demands for everyone to “chill out.” OK, Elsa, we hear you. Let’s get you back to the set of Frozen 3.

Police received an anonymous email containing video footage of a number of different people breaking into various vehicles parked around downtown, complete with a list of names. We’re formally calling dibs on naming Charleston’s new vigilante crime fighter.

Illustrated by Steve Stegelin

A downtown man described as wearing an outfit resembling “either Deadpool or Spiderman” reportedly attempted to steal two cartons of cigarettes from a convenience store. If only the witnesses had brushed up on their Marvel trivia.

A downtown woman reported her “Silver Phantom” stolen after having purchased it for almost $10,000 recently. Before you get excited about what sounds like an affordable sports car, we have to tell you it’s a golf cart. 

Mysterious photos depicting a Black man in a white robe adorned with an “unknown symbol” appeared stapled to various trees along multiple downtown streets. On the back of the posters is the same robed man, but the symbol is printed at the top of the poster instead of on the robe. These cults are starting to get real creative with their recruitment strategies.

Officers responded to a family dispute during which a father threatened to “put his foot up his [son’s] ass if he did not get his act together.” Sounds more like they walked onto the set of the That ’70s Show reunion.

A downtown man pulled over for suspected driving under the influence told officers he was “dropping bars.” We were interested in looking into his rap career, until we continued reading and found that apparently that means doing drugs — why does everything mean doing drugs nowadays?

A downtown man’s apartment was broken into, but the only item stolen was a copy of the Kama Sutra from his bedroom nightstand. Police made note in the report that the victim was the only person who regularly occupied the apartment. Ouch.

A man police were told was trying to fight people in a bar with a metal spike said he was talking to God before the altercation ensued. We had no idea our local Vampire Hunters’ Guild was so active this time of year.

A student at a West Ashley high school was reported for smelling of marijuana. Honestly, can you blame the student here? Have you seen what schools are dealing with?

A report of a man “playing with his genitals” in his car led to a rousing game of “Guess the Make and Model,” whereby officers scoured Google images for various cars until they found one that matched the witness’ description — a great game under normal conditions, complicated by a compelling distraction on the witness’ end. 

Police stopped a man suspected of being high on narcotics, but dropped the questioning when he said he had just finished some “addaball.” What he probably meant was Adderall, guys, which is definitely a narcotic. How did this happen?

A James Island man pulled over for suspected driving under the influence identified himself to officers as the 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump. Now, while we would all have loved to see that traffic stop, police noted the man was, in fact, not former President Donald J. Trump.

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