Editor’s note: Starting in April, the City Paper will offer a monthly column by nationally recognized relationship coach Dr. Jane Guyn. In this cover story, we introduce her thoughts on three issues related to understanding intimacy.
Waiting for the invitation
Dear Dr. Jane,
I’m married to a wonderful person who uses the pronouns they/them. Our sex life is pretty good. Even though we only do it every few weeks, we both experience pleasure. When we’re done, we wonder why we don’t do it more. My problem is that they never initiate. A few days later, I’m interested but I’m the only one who ever suggests it. I wait around but nothing happens. It feels awkward. I wish my partner would show me that they want me. How can we fix it?
—Waiting for the invitation
Dear Waiting,
Lots of my clients talk to me about the problem of initiation. When one partner feels like they’re the only person who suggests sex, they feel like the other person is participating out of obligation. This is understandable but not necessarily correct.
If you want to know why your partner isn’t initiating, you need to investigate the fundamental nature of sexual desire. Many people have “responsive desire” as described by Emily Nagoski in her great book Come As You Are (2015).
Nagoski defines “responsive desire” as desire in response to sexual pleasure, such as physical stimulation like kissing or touching. This type of desire is especially common in people who need higher amounts of pleasure to get turned on. It’s very different from “spontaneous desire.”
Nagoski defines “spontaneous desire” as when a person wants sex immediately after getting turned on by a specific stimulus — a sexual thought, image, sound or scent. It is desire in anticipation of pleasure. People with spontaneous desire typically require less stimulation to get turned on.
As the spontaneous desire person in your relationship, you might have decided to “wait out” your responsive desire partner. That might seem like a good idea, because you think that your partner will eventually hit you up for physical intimacy. I get it. This is how you would feel. But, waiting for your responsive desire partner to initiate sex while you get frustrated doesn’t work. Your partner isn’t likely to get turned on without you providing sexual stimulation.
Don’t worry
Even if you’re the spontaneous desire partner, you don’t always have to be the one to initiate connection. Even though your partner has reactive desire, you don’t have to always do the heavy lifting of initiating physical intimacy. Do these three things to make the situation better:
1. Talk about it
My first suggestion — talking! Talking about your sex life — including who makes the invitation for connection — is often challenging. But it’s important to get your feelings out into the open. Tell your partner how you feel when they don’t offer physical intimacy or affection. They may not understand that the situation makes you feel unattractive or even unloved.
2. Don’t take it personally
The truth is that your partner’s desire is more about them than it is about you. The issue of responsive versus spontaneous desire is important, but there are many things that might keep your partner from getting turned on. They include hormone levels, fatigue, distraction, a lack of privacy, body image issues, power dynamics, erotic fantasies and more. Your relationship is only one of the things that impacts their desire.
3. Make a plan to alternate initiation
— but make it easy for your partner
You can make a plan to alternate initiation even when the way you get turned on is very different from the way they get turned on. Understand that being overt can be challenging for your responsive desire partner. Allow them to signal you their willingness without words. One idea would be for them to light a specific candle when they’re open to connection. Your job will be to notice the invitation and then to take time kissing and touching so that they can get warmed up slowly after opening the door to you. You got this.
—XOXO, Dr. Jane
Feeling kinky in 2023
Dear Dr. Jane,
I’ve been married to my wife for over 10 years. In many ways, we have a healthy sex life. We do it twice a week and she’s pretty open when I ask. Even though we do a lot, I’m bored. It’s the New Year and I want to make changes. We only use one or two positions. I want to try sex toys. I want to experiment with some kinky stuff like spanking or bondage. My biggest fantasy is having a threesome, but I’m worried she’ll freak out if I suggest it. I love her but things are stale in the bedroom at our house. What should I do?
—Feeling kinky in 2023
Dear Kinky,
I often hear this concern from clients. Life gets routine and the sex that was satisfying when you first met feels stale. I love it that your wife is open to fairly frequent sex. A lot of busy couples have trouble making love twice a week. It’s great that you’ve got ideas about what you’d like to try. Your sexual bucket list is creative. Good for you!
The word “kink” is interesting. One of the definitions of “kink” is “bizarre or unconventional sexual preferences or behavior.” In my mind, the things you’re imagining aren’t particularly bizarre or unconventional. You nailed the
No. 1 fantasy for American couples, which is having a threesome. It’s a great fantasy (and some couples make that fantasy a reality), but bringing another person into your bed is a lot more challenging than using sex toys or trying new positions. Start with something easy and make progress. Here’s my advice:
Step 1: Think about it
Think about how your wife might feel about the things you’re interested in. Be as compassionate as possible as you think about her. How was she raised? What have her experiences been like as a sexual person over the years? Has she struggled to be open talking about sex in general? Has she experienced sexual trauma or assault during her life? What kinds of attitudes, values and beliefs does she have about sex and physical intimacy? Does she seem to enjoy the sex you have together? Your sensitivity about her feelings and past experiences will help you have a conversation where she doesn’t feel ambushed or criticized. It’s completely OK to have desires and fantasies, but before you present them to her, think about it.
Step 2: Talk about it
Set up a time to talk with your wife about your sex life when you’re both relaxed. Make sure that you have plenty of privacy so that you can speak freely. Tell her how much you love her and that you want to talk about how things have been going. Ask her how she’s been feeling about your sex life. Who knows — she might be feeling the same way you’ve been feeling. Make sure she knows you want to talk about it because you want things to be even better than they are now. Ask if she has pleasure during your love making sessions. Are there things that she’d like to add into your sex life, too?
Step 3: Start with something easy
I hope your conversation will go well and you’ll both be open to making some fun changes. Talk with her about how she might feel on top or with you behind her if these aren’t things you usually do together. If she’s open to it, maybe include the threesome idea as a fantasy without implementing it. Sexy shopping can be a great field trip or virtual activity for a special date night. It can be fun to start by exchanging massages or reading erotic stories out loud. Whatever you do, be compassionate and understanding. Your intimate relationship is worth it. You got this.
—XOXO, Dr. Jane
Bad in bed
Dear Dr. Jane,
I’m a man who’s been married to a wonderful woman for over 10 years. We have a healthy sex life, but I’ve noticed that my wife isn’t very passionate when we make love. It seems like she wants me to hurry up and finish. This makes me think that she doesn’t really like what I’m doing. Can you please give me some pointers so I’m better? I want to be an amazing lover, but I worry that I’m bad.
—Bad In Bed
Dear Bad,
I’m so glad that you reached out because most people approach this problem the wrong way. You want to be an amazing lover. You want your partner to be passionate and engaged when you make love. You want to feel comfortable and confident during sex. That’s an admirable goal. But sometimes trying to be a “good lover” actually makes things worse.
People often focus on their “performance” or on things like sexual positions or specific techniques. They worry about erections for themselves or for a partner. They wonder about their own or a partner’s orgasmic responsiveness. They are uncomfortable being naked together.
Sex has potential to be a wonderful experience for you and your wife. But, when you focus on performance or specific skills, by definition, you’re focusing on doing instead of being.
It’s not bad to learn about different sexual things to do, but in my view, there are three “being” things that matter more than any specific sexual skill.
1. Slow down
Studies indicate that the average heterosexual couple in America spends five to seven minutes having sex. Unfortunately, when sex is brief like this, the she/her partner doesn’t have time to fully open up. Some experts say that women need 20 minutes of what is called “foreplay” to be fully aroused; others say it’s 45 minutes. Talk with her about slowing down. What would make the experience more satisfying for her? Listen closely to what she says. Watch her body language as she talks. She may be speeding things up because she’s not really enjoying the sex you’ve been having. See if you can create something that’s worth her time.
2. Show up
To have in-person sex, of course you need to be in the room. Unfortunately, many people are physically present, but mentally, emotionally and energetically very far away. Being fully present is a gift you can offer to your partner. It’s also a gift that you can give to yourself. If sexual trauma is keeping either of you from enjoying intimacy, get support from a skilled sex-positive professional. When you’re truly present, sex can be something magical.
3. Let go
It’s great to feel relaxed and uninhibited during sex, but letting go isn’t just about getting rid of stress or nervousness. It’s also about releasing unhelpful expectations. You probably hold onto many known and unknown rules about sex. These rules might be about what’s OK to do or say when you’re making love. These unspoken rules impact you every time you connect. Have a conversation about your expectations.
When you talk about these three things: slowing down, showing up and letting go, you’ll have the potential to change your relationship. Take it one step at a time. You got this.
—XOXO, Dr. Jane
This new monthly “Understanding Intimacy” commentary is made possible through the generous support of Guilty Pleasures, 2992 Ashley Phosphate Road, North Charleston.
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