Dear Dr. Jane,
I hate to say this, but I’m bored with sex. Not all sex, just the sex that I’ve been having with my wife. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not having an affair. I’m just ready for something really new with her. I have a beautiful wife, but sometimes when she offers to do it, I say “no.” The sex we’ve been having isn’t not worth the effort it takes for me to get interested.
I don’t want her to think that I’m not attracted to her anymore. That’s not the problem. I think she’s beautiful. But even though I really love her, I’m just tired of doing the same things (exactly the same way) every time we make love. I want 2024 to be a NEW YEAR for us romantically. How can I talk to my wife about this without hurting her feelings? I’m ready for The Year of Loving Passionately. Do you have any suggestions?
– Needing something new in 2024
Dear Needing,
I hear you. This is a tough topic. Keeping passion alive in a long-term committed relationship is challenging. You’re surrounded by all sorts of encouragement to make and keep New Year’s resolutions, but for lots of people, feeling more connected (and passionate) in the bedroom is on the top of the list of things they’d like to change. It’s a whole lot easier to get a new membership to a gym or yoga studio than it is to make real changes in your love life with a partner. The first step is to tell her how you’re feeling.
Your love life has become too predictable. Lots of couples run into this issue. It makes sense because you have a history together and the things you’ve been doing worked in the past so you keep doing them. Maybe one position gives you both pleasure so you do it every time you make love. There’s nothing wrong with this. But, adding something new – like a new environment, time of day or lingerie – into your love life can make it a lot more exciting and satisfying for both of you.
Set up a time to talk so you can figure out some new and playful ways to be together intimately. Use these 3 tips:
Choose the right time and place. Find a moment when both of you are relaxed and have privacy. Avoid bringing up the topic during heated arguments or when either of you is stressed or preoccupied. Make sure you’re both free from distractions. Put away your phones. Give each other your undivided attention so that you can focus on what’s being said and truly connect as people who love each other. It’s good to choose a time when you’re not too tired or stressed. I know you want to make a change in the New Year, but the stress of the holidays can linger. Be patient as you find a good time.
Use “I” statements. Focus on your own feelings and experiences instead of placing blame. For example, say, “I’ve been feeling a bit concerned about our sex life lately, and I wanted to talk to you about it because you’re incredibly important to me.” Then tell her what you’d like to be doing or feeling with her in the bedroom. You don’t have to be super-specific about what you want. Just tell your partner that you’d like to shake it up a little and that you’re interested in her ideas as well.
Validate her thoughts and feelings. Create a safe space for her to express herself by listening actively. Don’t be judgmental. Validate her feelings and her thoughts about what you might do together to spice things up. Let her know that you understand how she feels. Sex is a tender topic. It can feel very uncomfortable to talk about it. If she’s currently satisfied with your sex life as it is, she might feel threatened by your concerns. Reassure her that you love her and just want to build on what you already have together.
Get started talking about it and you’ll make 2024 a year filled with fireworks even on a wintery night.
You got this.
– Dr. Jane
Dr. Jane Guyn is a nationally recognized relationship coach based in Oregon. Her column appears online monthly.
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