Ask Dr. Jane: Hungry for love, but needs help

Dear Dr. Jane,

I’ve been married to my best friend for 15 years. We get along very well in every area of our lives except in the bedroom. Honestly, she’s like a pal who I see walking around the house in skimpy pj’s but who never touches me. I don’t touch her anymore either because I’ve been rejected so many times that my ego can’t take it.

In the early years of our relationship, we were really affectionate and loving. It was so good that I couldn’t believe it. I’m divorced and my first marriage ended because we both seemed to fall out of love with each other.

I am incredibly sad to say it, but this same pattern seems to be repeating itself with my current wife. I hate to admit it, but I’ve started to consider going outside the marriage for intimacy. I don’t want to cheat on my wife, but I feel like I’ve been cheated of what every person deserves – the feeling of being wanted. I desire my wife. I just don’t know why she doesn’t desire me. I even work out regularly, help around the house and compliment her. Can you help?

– Hungry for love

Dear Hungry,

I wish I could answer this question in a few short sentences. “Roomate territory” is the space where most of my clients live. They got there along the way after years of married life when “too busy” and “to do” got in the way of intimacy. For many couples, physical connection has become an afterthought.

You’re not alone in this experience. It’s very common. Roommate territory is a land where many young (and not so young) couples live. Sometimes, the couple had a good relationship without a lot of sexual chemistry early on. More often, both people were excited about intimacy at the beginning but misunderstandings and hurt feelings got in the way. Days, weeks and months passed and now they’re in the friend zone – literally just roommates. They’re often co-parenting kids together which makes things even more difficult. What to do now:

1: Talk about it. Maybe you’ve already done this. But if you haven’t, have a gentle but heartfelt talk with your partner about how you’re feeling. As the higher libido partner, you might get a lot of push back about this. She may feel blamed and misunderstood about sex, so tread lightly.

2: Listen to your partner’s concerns. When you really listen, you might find things that you don’t understand about how she’s feeling. There may be something that’s been on her mind about how intimacy has been over time. Maybe she’s stressed or exhausted or feels like she can never do anything right. She might be overwhelmed by work or family drama. None of these things are necessarily easy to fix, but start by listening to how she feels.

3: Prioritize sex and intimacy as a couple. Emily Nagoski’s new book, “Come Together: The Science and Art of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections,” (which I highly recommend) has three main points about what makes a successful long-term intimate relationship. They are (quoting her here):

“A. They are friends – Or, to put it more precisely, they trust and admire each other.

“B. They prioritize sex – that is, they decide that it matters for their relationship.

“C. Instead of accepting other people’s opinions about how they’re supposed to do sex in their partnership, they prioritize what’s genuinely true for them and what works in their unique relationship.”

You’ve got a good relationship to build on. That’s great. It doesn’t sound like you’ve been cheating. Also great. And you’re definitely motivated.

Step #1: It sounds like you and your wife are friends. That’s a good start.

Step #2: Talk with her about prioritizing sex. Intimacy is important to you. She should know this. You might need help from a therapist to talk about it.

Step #3: Create a sexual style that actually works for you both. It doesn’t have to be wild and crazy to be good. You would be surprised how tiny changes can make a huge impact on how you both feel.

You got this.

– Dr. Jane

Dr. Jane Guyn is a nationally recognized relationship coach based in Oregon. Her column appears online monthly.