Dear Dr. Jane,
I’m married and I love my wife. We get along pretty well and we’re intimate twice a week. My problem is that I’m completely bored with it all. There’s no spice — no passion. It always starts with a little bit of kissing, or she just asks me outright if I want to “do it” – no warm up, no sexy texts in advance. Nothing. I appreciate her willingness, but the same old thing is leaving me cold. I could write pages of things that I’d like to try with her, but honestly I don’t think she has any interest in anything new. How do I tell her that I need something more passionate without hurting her feelings?
– Bored out of my mind in Bend, Oregon
Dear Bored,
You’re in good company. This is the kind of problem that I hear about in my office every week. Lots and lots of couples who love each other and have regular intimacy are still unsatisfied with their sex lives. They’ve been doing the same things every time they make love. Sometimes this is because they aren’t feeling very passionate. Sometimes it’s because what they’re doing is repetitive. In either case, one or both members of the couple is disappointed with their intimacy.
I was talking with a client couple about this type of problem last week. I shared with them the fact that Jim and I have this kind of discussion about menu planning in our house. He’s a lot more interested in menu planning filled with delicious and varied meals. We need to work through the conversation about meal and food planning at my house.
Tip #1: Be brave and tell your partner that you need something to change.
I know that this is tough. It’s hard to bring it up. You’re worried that you’re going to hurt her feelings. But this stuff matters. And she’s probably also feeling some kind of uncomfortable about the whole thing too. So, don’t put the whole thing on her. Just tell her that you’re incredibly grateful to be her partner, that you find her very beautiful and that you want to explore easy ways to make intimacy more fun, playful, and passionate together.
Tip #2: Google a Yes-No-Maybe list and figure out your options as a couple.
You can do this! These lists are all over the internet. Find your favorite version and go through it together with your partner. If you have trouble finding one that you like, send me a message here and I’ll be happy to share some good options. The yes-no-maybe lists are great because they’ll help you get talking about intimacy without feeling awkward. Sure, it can be embarrassing to think about some of the things that are included in this type of thing, but you’ll likely find a lot more agreement than you imagine. If nothing else, you’ll start getting your desires out in the open.
Tip #3: Create your Bedroom Menu Plan using the results of your yes-no-maybe talk.
This is the fun part.
Just like the way Jim and I plan our menus for the week, you and your partner can talk about things you’re both interested in exploring in the bedroom.
Think about these things as if they were actual menu items.
For example, talk about starters or appetizers – things that might get you both in the mood – like lighting, kissing, nice music, a scented candle, hugging or sending a sexy text earlier in the day.
Next consider first courses for your “meal”. This could include all types of foreplay like kissing or touching all over, rubbing or massaging.
The main course could include penetration and different positions, toys, places to make love.
After the main course, you’re going to want dessert which in this case might include talking intimately, holding each other, cuddling.
I hope that the conversations that flow from this type of exercise are playful, friendly and intimate. If you have any trouble with any part of this, don’t hesitate to reach out to me directly with a question. I got you.
– Dr. Jane
Starving for touching relationship
Dear Dr. Jane,
I don’t think I can handle this anymore. I adore my wife.. I want to touch her all the time. Unfortunately, it seems like our relationship isn’t a priority to her. She doesn’t seem interested in me. I’m not going to cheat on my wife. I made a solemn vow on our wedding day 15 years ago. My love language is physical touch. Why won’t she touch me? I can hardly think about anything else.
– Starving for touch
Dear Starving,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I saw someone with this problem in my office this week and told him that many couples are experiencing the same thing. He said that was like saying “lots of people have cancer” to someone who’s just been diagnosed. The fact that this is very common doesn’t make your situation any better.
What should you do?
Tip #1 Sloooow down.
I know you’re frustrated and impatient. This makes my advice difficult to follow. But, one of the common problems couples’ experience is that the sex is too fast for the woman. This might be true even though she hurries you to finish because she wants to get it over with. This may be confusing because she might climax but to be honest, orgasm in a woman doesn’t necessarily indicate true arousal. Men don’t usually relate to this. Your wife can be barely turned on and still climax with her vibrator. Climax can be a very powerful experience for a woman, but it can also be just a reflexive response that doesn’t include the passionate pleasure experience that many women are capable of. Sometimes, women don’t realize this themselves.
Tip #2: Recognize that you might not have the same sex drive (or want the same thing).
There are several reasons for this. One is of course a basic difference in general libido. You may have an inherently higher sex drive than she does. This isn’t unusual. Men have a much higher testosterone level than their wives do. Testosterone levels can definitely influence libido. She may have her own hormonal changes happening because of pregnancy or postpartum issues. She may be in peri-menopause or menopause.
On the other hand, she might be turned on but just not turned on to you right now. This isn’t necessarily about you personally. It could be more about who she is in her life. Or, this could be related to the type of sex you’re having. You may want what you call “intimacy” but she might call it “getting you off”. Explore her interests in the bedroom to figure out if she really likes what you two have been doing together.
Tip #3: Understand that your wife might be experiencing a lot of stress.
Your wife may be feeling a lot of stress from everyday concerns in her life. Whatever’s going on will generally impact her desire for sex. You may wonder why your wife doesn’t want to be intimate when things are stressful. To you, sex may be a great sex reducer. It might seem like it’s a stress reliever for her also. But many women have trouble “getting out of their heads” enough to get into bed.
Tip #4 Don’t overwhelm her.
When you show up really interested, you might overwhelm her. Women often tell me that they don’t want to even touch their husbands because they’re worried that their husband will “pounce on them.”. They hold back from any kind of loving touch in order to protect themselves from a demand for sex. This is difficult for their husbands when the husband’s love language is physical touch, because touch makes them feel loved. Pace yourself. Don’t overdo it.
I know that this experience is really frustrating for you. You might be surprised to realize that it’s frustrating to your wife as well. Women tell me that they feel really bad about themselves when their husbands are never satisfied sexually. It makes them feel inadequate. Sometimes, they’ll have sex to “put him in a better mood” but that’s not usually satisfying for either party. Try the ideas I’ve shared above. You can make things better.
You got this.
– Dr. Jane
Dr. Jane Guyn is a nationally recognized relationship coach based in Oregon. Her column appears online monthly.
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