Examining the global and American socio-political upheaval of the past year is as in vogue as ever. But, why look to our political leaders or global warming reports for signals that our society may be getting a little shaky? We’ve got plenty of insanity right here in the Holy City. Police reports in 2019 catalogued paranoid breakdowns, Satanic Canadians, lots of stolen guns, and even a thief wielding a katana. As per usual, we cracked wise and found some grim humor along the way. So, quietly shake your head along with us while we celebrate the strangest cases the Charleston Police have dealt with in the past year. And raise a glass hoping you don’t appear in these pages next year. —Heath Ellison
The Blotter is taken from Charleston Police Department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.
A downtown woman going to work found a note under her windshield wiper saying, “your vehicle was backed into” with a car’s make, model, and tag number. Thanks, Hit-and-Run Fairy!
Police were called on a middle-aged black man because he allegedly spit at two young white women and called them “crackers.” He claims he did not spit at them and was arrested by CPD. To be fair, calling the police for help in this situation and getting a man arrested is a total cracker move.
A man dropped a clear plastic baggie from the window of his car as an officer tried to stop him for an expired decal. The driver later told the officer, “Y’all know that was six grams,” and, “I shouldn’t have dropped that out the window, you wouldn’t have had a reason to search the car.”
An employee embezzled eight steaks and a beef tenderloin from a downtown steakhouse. The offender was caught on camera committing the theft. According to police reports, the thief was fired from his last restaurant job for, you guessed it, stealing steaks. Some people never learn.
A downtown barbecue restaurant was given a letter saying that their plants had been stolen. Pictures of the plants were attached to the note.
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A person who told police they were a reporter advised CPD that her articles about the KGB and Russia have made her an international target. The journalist told police that she places traps all around her office and some of them were defused when she returned to the work space recently.
A man who was illegally carrying a handgun was too busy looking at his phone to realize that he was walking directly toward three police officers.
During a traffic stop, a motorist told CPD that “he had an appendix surgery three weeks ago, that he hadn’t worked in a month, and that he was going through a divorce.” None of that helped him on the field sobriety test, which he failed.
A Wolf moped and an Ice Bear Rocket moped were stolen in the past week. For being the lamest form of transportation, mopeds have the most metal names.
A West Ashley man had a package containing a Marvel Omnibus Civil War volume set stolen from his driveway. It’s supposedly valued at $549, which is surprising because it wasn’t even that good of a series.
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A pharmacy employee found a gram of weed wrapped in a $10 bill and … she … turned it in to police?
A man told police that his medication was stolen from his apartment. When CPD arrived, they found no signs of a break-in. The complainant then informed them that the CIA and the U.S.’s defunct mind-control program, MKUltra, were monitoring him. He was informed that, “there were no signs of forced entry and that he is not being monitored by the CIA.” Of course, that’s what they want us to believe.
A hit-and-run victim wanted police to find and press charges against the person that bumped into her car. There was “minor to no damage” to her vehicle and officers were able to fix a loose bumper on scene … because that’s totally their job.
A bag of “suspected cocaine tested positive for cocaine,” according to a police report.
Letters from a Canadian man claiming to be “part of a satanic society” were received by the City of Charleston. Inside the envelopes was a poem that made “anti-American sentiments,” several bus and train tickets, and four pictures of an older white male. In typical Canadian fashion, this sounds strangely polite.
While waiting in a transport van for EMS to arrive to sedate a man who was panicking after being arrested, the offender was “screaming, attempting to remove his handcuffs, and disrobing.” This whole thing was precipitated by the offender supposedly walking out on a $33 bar tab.
“A great danger would have been posed to society” if some college kids were successful in their attempt to steal a stop sign, according to a police report. Thankfully, they weren’t and society is in perfect working order.
“Crab/liquid” was intentionally leaked into the backseat of a women’s vehicle. What’s “crab/liquid,” you ask? It’s a mixture of white liquid and crab meat, and acts as a great way to say that you don’t know how to cope with your feelings.
Four vehicles were damaged by a man doing totally sweet donuts in a strip club parking lot.
A “suspicious” man showed up to a Daniel Island resident’s house. The details that made him potentially dangerous: He “came to her door with just a white T-shirt and jeans on.” Spooky.
According to reports of a stolen vehicle downtown, the car’s “distinguishing features” are a Coexist bumper sticker, a CofC parking permit, and a broken passenger side mirror. Basically, it looks exactly like every other car in Charleston.
Officers responded to a call about a woman threatening to jump off a third floor balcony. She told a responding officer that she was wearing heels, and said, “Get out of the room you slut, I will curse you.” Looking over at the TV, she added, “I will tell Trump, he’s standing right there.” The woman’s boyfriend said she had recently stopped taking her medication and started going to church.
Three pints of PBR were enough to land a guy in jail for a DUI. Charleston residency revoked.
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A man had a tattoo machine and an African mask stolen from his car while it was parked under the Crosstown overpass. (Approximate value: $1,000.) When officers asked why his car was there, he told them he’d been arrested for a DUI, doesn’t have car insurance, and sometimes sleeps in the car when he hangs out downtown.
A man got into several altercations both inside and outside of a local strip club. The last fight before police arrived was because someone tried to give him a high-five.
A man with no means of paying his $33 bar tab repeatedly told cops his name was Sid Wilson and that he was a member of Slipknot, going as far as saying he needed to call his manager at Roadrunner Records to get money. (We checked — it wasn’t him.)
A laptop with Peewee Herman, National Lampoon, and Uncle Buck stickers was stolen one night. Yes, detective, the victim was a male in their mid-30s.
Police referred to a woman’s “X-boyfriend” several times in a report. They did not specify if he was human or a cyborg sent to the past by Skynet to prevent her from giving birth to the savior of humanity.
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A woman entered a West Ashley gas station and began eating several food items from the store without paying. When an employee told her that he was calling the police, she told him that she wasn’t done eating.
“I don’t know how they let me leave the bar like this,” said a drunk motorist, who clearly can’t take responsibility for their actions.
At a high school in West Ashley, signs above two water fountains were put up, reading “White’s only!” and “Colored only.” The assistant principal was alerted to it via a Snapchat picture that was captioned, “Well ain’t this some shit …” This is 2019, everyone.
A man, who was found driving on the James Island Connector with a flat tire, took a field sobriety test and counted his steps by saying “right Fruit of the Loom, left Fruit of the Loom.”
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In a local tech company’s parking lot, a black Ford Mustang was observed driving in circles for 45 minutes. According to the report, the driver began “doing burnouts” for two minutes, leaving a 50-yard-diameter circle. The only crime here is someone being too cool.
Police arrived to a James Island home store to find a man with a samurai sword trying to break into the business. Employees were still inside the building and alerted police. After a brief chase, police pulled over the offender. In his backseat, they found the sharpened katana. Once arrested, the offender pulled out a glass bottle with orange and blue pills inside. He uncorked it with his mouth before the officer confiscated it. The katana was also confiscated — you know, for evidence.
A man began receiving text messages from an unknown number. The texts referred to the man as a “racist asshole” and threatened to tell Live 5 News about his undescribed bigoted activities. Well, looks like it wound up in the City Paper instead.
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A woman who got into a fight with her ex-girlfriend at a Chuck E. Cheese’s parking lot told an officer, “I punched her in the face. I was wrong.”
During a farmers market in Marion Square, a man began screaming and hitting his head against a tree. The plant must not have learned its lesson, because he proceeded to climb the tree and scream from the top of it. Police arrived shortly after.
Early one morning, police found that 26 different King Street businesses had drawings of penises on their windows. Feminism won that day, because security footage showed a young woman committing the crime instead of a middle school-aged boy.
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