I was driving along our streets in my car because that is how I like to do my driving, and I saw a billboard that said “For Cocaine Problems call…”

I gave it some thought and I decided that I am not going to call them, because I don’t want a cocaine problem. (I’ve got enough problems already with an ex-wife, raising a loving child, and my fixation on the day-to-day whereabouts of Tonya Harding.)

Anyway, the cocaine billboard got me thinking about drugs — specifically, my personal drug history. Actually, I have very little drug history. Me discussing my drug history is like W. discussing the weapons of mass destruction that he has found in Iraq. (Big build up, very little follow-through.)

I’ve tried alcohol. I mean, I do have a college degree, I was a member of a fraternity, and thus, even as a “non-drinker” I have had perhaps seven beers in my life. Nasty tasting stuff. Can’t believe that it’s popular and seems to get more popular. To me, it would be no more surprising if it was found that drinking the sweat off the testicles of a rat made you intoxicated and that became popular. Being a non-drinker in college is like being a vegetarian and a member of a hunting lodge.

Quite honestly, I feel the same way about alcohol that I do about homosexuality. I know that it has quite a fan base, but it’s just not suited to my personal taste.

Please do not take that above “joke” as anti-homosexual. In reality, I wish that I was a homosexual. I have proven that I am not much good at pleasing a woman over time and perhaps homosexuality is the answer. Now, if I could just get over my stumbling block of having never been attracted to a guy.

Frankly, I’m jealous of homosexuals. Every homosexual couple I know seems to be doing, on average, much better than their heterosexual counterparts. The homosexual couples that I hang out with all seem to have established safe environments in which they can properly raise houseplants, cats, and a child. I struggle just to raise one child.

But enough about my homosexual hopes and back to my alcohol and drug use…

It takes exactly one beer or alcoholic drink for me to be drunk. And so friends in the past have encouraged me to drink because they find it entertaining to watch me drunk.

All I can say in my limited experience is that alcohol makes me affectionate and silly. If I have a tad too much alcohol, it makes me dizzy. Since I am already affectionate and silly and feel no need to be dizzy, I do not drink.

Since the primary effect of alcohol is that it makes you dizzy, wouldn’t it be simpler if bars had an attendant and a children’s merry-go-round out front rather than a bouncer? The attendant would ask, “How drunk you want to get?” Let’s say the person responds with “very drunk.” The person/drinker would then lie down on the merry-go-round for approximately seven spins and get up “very drunk”… at a cost much lower than the price of seven appletinis. My merry-go-round theory provides all of the pleasures of alcohol and even all of the potential vomit.

In short, these are the basic reasons I do not use other drugs:

Cocaine — Not a snorter. Don’t snort when I laugh and unwilling to snort for drug use.

Heroin — Afraid of needles and already thin.

Crystal Meth — Don’t like anything made in a bathtub, also why in an earlier life I did not drink “bathtub gin.”

Crack — Don’t like pipes or people that smoke pipes. (Also the primary reason I don’t hang out with Hef.)

Industrial Kitchen Solvents — Clean floors are more important to me than getting high.

Marijuana — Am already lazy enough. And I see no reason to slow down the fevered excitement of a Golden Girls episode.

Sometimes, you just have to face facts, and I just don’t seem to have what it takes to be an addict. In summation, I encourage you to “Just Say No” to drugs, unless you’re forced into a dinner with Nancy Reagan. Then take whatever is necessary to get through the evening.

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