Having to be on the air at 6 a.m. five days a week really puts a damper on your social life. Between performances, rehearsals, writing, and the radio station, there just isn’t enough time in the day to enjoy the company of my friends, let alone sleep. When the weekend finally rolls around, I don’t have enough energy to deal with the unfamiliar, so I go to the same bar, drink the same beer, and chat with the same people I always do. Needless to say, when it comes to meeting new people, especially possible new love interests, I’m just not having much luck. There only seems to be one alternative.

I’ve stated in previous columns that online dating gives me the heebie-jeebies. The man you’ve just met through Match.com with the nice smile could easily turn out to be a Buffalo Bill-like nut job who secretly collects toddlers’ shoes for his own sick arousal. You never really know what you’re getting yourself into when it comes to dating, period — but online dating just seems to take it to a whole new level.

Maybe I’m just being prudish and paranoid. Someone out there must have a similar schedule and is left with the same dating alternatives. I decided it was time to give the whole cyber-courtin’ thing a try.

Instead of joining eharmony.com or one of those $40 dollar a month deals, I opted for the personals on The Onion’s website. I figured if someone is reading The Onion, then he must have a similar sense of humor, plus it’s free, so it must be full of people like me who aren’t ready to commit to the idea of online dating, but are willing to give it a shot.

I filled out my profile as honestly as possible and even added an actual photo of myself for heightened interest from potential bachelors. And then the moment of truth — time to meet my matches.

“The next picture I see could be that of the next ex-Mr. Chase.” I said to myself.

My most compatible mate? Let me just describe the profile picture. The guy was posing in front of a bureau in what looked to be his mother’s bedroom. He was fit, shirtless, and in high-waisted, light denim jeans. His head was shaved, his look was pensive, and he was covered in some of the most god-awful tattoos I’ve ever seen.

“Fuck me” I thought, and not in the literal sense.

Look, I believe that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but I can already tell you that any guy who would choose this type of picture to arouse female interest online is not the type of guy I would even consider going out with. And it didn’t end there — more matches with shaved heads, no shirts, and soul patches. Just some advice, fellas: shave the soul patch. No straight female wants to kiss you if your mouth resembles a vagina.

Call me shallow for being turned off right away by the pictures of these bachelors, but it’s not that they weren’t attractive. It was the choices they made in presenting themselves to the rest of the world that turned me off. Stop trying to look cool or sexy, guys, because then you just come off like the same ass-hats that frequent the downtown meat markets every week. I don’t need to go online to meet any of those boys.

Disappointed, I went ahead and deleted my account. I’m not going to give up entirely on the idea of internet dating, but next time I’ll headline my profile with “Keep Your Damn Shirt On, Jack-Ass.”

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