I love the editor of the City Paper, a fact not unknown by the City Paper editor’s handsome, successful husband. However, as much as I love the editor of CP, she has one complaint about me and our decidedly nonromantic love. My editor would like it if I could be funny in what she calls “less words.”

In an effort to finally please a woman at least once in my life, I am now going to attempt to condense a trip of two months traveling and filming people, famous and not, across the whole of America on behalf of orphans (previewed in a May 17, 2006 City Paper story) into nothing but stats:

Total days traveling: 60

Nights spent at truck rest areas: 4

Nights spent on friends’ floors, sofas, or guest rooms: 13

Nights spent at $40-$50 motels: 25 (Total $1,250)

Nights spent at Malibu mansion: 6

Nights spent at Bel Air mansion (without The Fresh Prince): 12

Total number of miles driven: 14,850

Total miles driven by me: 14,750

Miles by train (N.Y.): 150

Miles by ferry (Va. and Wash.): 70

Miles by air: 0

Average price of gas: $3.05

Average gas mileage in our ’65 Mustang convertible: 12 mpg

Average gas mileage in my 1991 Lexus: 24mpg

Number of breakdowns in Mustang: 7

Number of breakdowns in Lexus: 0

Total cost of gas: $1,989

Total cost of car repairs: $850 (including much free work by Zip’s Kar Kare/Mt. P)

Hours of film shot on trip: 28

Hours of film shot in total: 69

Times Shawn the cameraman thought to stab me with a fork: 1000s

Times Shawn actually stabbed me with a fork: 0

I’ve seen:

Fires: 2

Rain: very little

Deaths: 2 (auto accident outside Boston at 3 a.m.)

BK veggie sandwiches consumed (Me and Shawn the cameraman): approx. 65 Pounds of wild blackberries picked and consumed

in WA and OR: approx. 10

Times animal flesh was consumed (fish): 4 … all by me

•12 oz. Coca-Colas drunk: 248 (all by me)

Empty calories from said Coca-Colas:

34,720 (over 17 days worth of calories)

•Days surfed: 0

Holes of golf played: 0

Days playing tennis: 0 (I’m working for orphans, baby.)

Number of push-ups: 14,250 (approx.)

Calories burned by push-ups: 14,000 (approx.) (not quite enough to make up for the Coca-Cola)

Girls gawked at: 1,246

Girls hugged: 6

Girls kissed: 0

Girls I wish I had kissed: 1,246

Girls that may have wanted to kiss me: 1 or 2

Girls I should have gotten e-mail addresses from: 1 (Park ranger at Mt. Saint Helen’s)

••Boys gawked at: 0

Boys hugged: 3

Boys kissed: 0

Most beautiful place: Glacier National Park, Mont.

Second Most Beautiful Place: San Juan Island, off Wash. state

Third Most Beautiful Place: Almost everywhere else…

Autographs on John Liberatos’ ’65 Mustang convertible: 86

Celebrity autographs: 21

Celebrities contacted for autographs: 83

Times Charleston apartment was

broken into while traveling: At least 1 (Chas. Police case #0616752)

Golf tournaments won by Tiger Woods while on trip: 5

Money won by Tiger during this period: $5,485,000

Money earned by Michael Fechter during this trip: 0

Money earned for orphans: Still to be determined (two cars to sell and film rights … looking good)

Present level of exhaustion: High

Degree of happiness to be home: Considerable

Worth of the experience: Priceless and life changing

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