I love the editor of the City Paper, a fact not unknown by the City Paper editor’s handsome, successful husband. However, as much as I love the editor of CP, she has one complaint about me and our decidedly nonromantic love. My editor would like it if I could be funny in what she calls “less words.”
In an effort to finally please a woman at least once in my life, I am now going to attempt to condense a trip of two months traveling and filming people, famous and not, across the whole of America on behalf of orphans (previewed in a May 17, 2006 City Paper story) into nothing but stats:
•Total days traveling: 60
Nights spent at truck rest areas: 4
Nights spent on friends’ floors, sofas, or guest rooms: 13
Nights spent at $40-$50 motels: 25 (Total $1,250)
Nights spent at Malibu mansion: 6
Nights spent at Bel Air mansion (without The Fresh Prince): 12
•Total number of miles driven: 14,850
Total miles driven by me: 14,750
Miles by train (N.Y.): 150
Miles by ferry (Va. and Wash.): 70
Miles by air: 0
•Average price of gas: $3.05
Average gas mileage in our ’65 Mustang convertible: 12 mpg
Average gas mileage in my 1991 Lexus: 24mpg
Number of breakdowns in Mustang: 7
Number of breakdowns in Lexus: 0
Total cost of gas: $1,989
Total cost of car repairs: $850 (including much free work by Zip’s Kar Kare/Mt. P)
•Hours of film shot on trip: 28
Hours of film shot in total: 69
•Times Shawn the cameraman thought to stab me with a fork: 1000s
Times Shawn actually stabbed me with a fork: 0
•I’ve seen:
Fires: 2
Rain: very little
Deaths: 2 (auto accident outside Boston at 3 a.m.)
•BK veggie sandwiches consumed (Me and Shawn the cameraman): approx. 65 Pounds of wild blackberries picked and consumed
in WA and OR: approx. 10
Times animal flesh was consumed (fish): 4 … all by me
•12 oz. Coca-Colas drunk: 248 (all by me)
Empty calories from said Coca-Colas:
34,720 (over 17 days worth of calories)
•Days surfed: 0
Holes of golf played: 0
Days playing tennis: 0 (I’m working for orphans, baby.)
•Number of push-ups: 14,250 (approx.)
Calories burned by push-ups: 14,000 (approx.) (not quite enough to make up for the Coca-Cola)
•Girls gawked at: 1,246
Girls hugged: 6
Girls kissed: 0
Girls I wish I had kissed: 1,246
Girls that may have wanted to kiss me: 1 or 2
Girls I should have gotten e-mail addresses from: 1 (Park ranger at Mt. Saint Helen’s)
••Boys gawked at: 0
Boys hugged: 3
Boys kissed: 0
•Most beautiful place: Glacier National Park, Mont.
Second Most Beautiful Place: San Juan Island, off Wash. state
Third Most Beautiful Place: Almost everywhere else…
•Autographs on John Liberatos’ ’65 Mustang convertible: 86
Celebrity autographs: 21
Celebrities contacted for autographs: 83
•Times Charleston apartment was
broken into while traveling: At least 1 (Chas. Police case #0616752)
•Golf tournaments won by Tiger Woods while on trip: 5
Money won by Tiger during this period: $5,485,000
Money earned by Michael Fechter during this trip: 0
Money earned for orphans: Still to be determined (two cars to sell and film rights … looking good)
Present level of exhaustion: High
Degree of happiness to be home: Considerable
Worth of the experience: Priceless and life changing Stay cool. Support City Paper. City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.