Once again, we’re at the conclusion of another zany year in music. The City Paper is looking forward to an even more exciting 2007. Of course, we already know most of what’s in store and this list of carefully-considered predictions will come true, every bit of it:
• The former members of Kapone will officially change their name to “The Former Members of Kapone.”
• Leslie guitarist Sadler Vaden will fall prey to a “Delilah” who discovers that his strength comes from his hair and sideburns, which he never trims. Suddenly, after she convinces him to let her cut it all off, his solos turn sour and his singing gets wimpy.
• ChazzFest organizers will score a double-whammy when they book tennis star and sometime-band leader Pat Cash for a mid-day set on one of the side courts at the Family Circle Stadium in which he’ll sing “Mustang Sally” into a headset microphone while simultaneously rallying with former Kiawah Island pro and Wimbeldon finalist Roscoe Tanner.
• The Music Farm will change its name to “KP’s Music Farm Lounge Nest” and install red shag carpet from the floor to the rafters and a dozen purple velvet couches from the back bar to the stagefront. The Brothers Webb will conduct business in shiny smoking jackets and silk bathrobes.
• The Pour House will land a 30-minute weekly news program on ETV and call it “Yackin’ From the Sound Board.” Owner Alex Harris will act as host, interviewing hungover musicians and roadies about their night-before experiences. Home Grown Network will sponsor.
• Singer Cary Ann Hearst will continue to expand her backing band, hiring the string section from the CSO and the drum line from Burke High School’s “High Steppin’ Bulldogs.”
• Former CBGB’s owner Hilly Kristal will buy the Oasis Bar & Grill on Folly Road and hire a dozen Bowery bums to hang around the parking lot dressed in old Ramones, Television, and Blondie T-shirts.
• Trumpeters Charlton Singleton, Kevin Hackler, and Chris Moon will collaborate on a Maynard Ferguson tribute album titled Headin’ Around the Horn.
• The Explorers Club will chuck the mod/retro guitar-pop thing, buy a case of Pomade, and “go all Teddy Boy.”
• The Plex will expand their plastic bottle beer selection to Bud, Bud Light, and Bud Select.
• The 2007 “Party at the Point” series will exclusively feature “reunion shows only,” with performances by Free Mountain Standstill, The Fields, The Pondering, Child’s Play, Varoom, Children’s Choir, The Jumper Cables, and The Uncertain-Ts.
• 98X DJ Amy Hutto will broadcast “Local X” on Comcast’s Channel 2 (Richard Todd-style) only once before getting tossed off the air for “harboring lewd behavior, indecency, and malicious mischief.” Co-hosts Toker, Krazy Kev, and Holly will each do three weeks in jail for their hilarious on-air naughtiness.
• By mid-February, 96 Wave jock The Critic will totally lose it on the air during his morning show, screaming into the mics, “No more Chili Peppers! No more Foo Fighters! No more Pearl Jam!! No more Alice in Chains!!! No more Fall Out Boy!!!! Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you people?!! Aaaahhhh…!” Uncomfortable Don will be kicked upstairs by management as the new morning show host, thus allowing cohost Stupid Mike the opportunity to shine as the new traffic dude.
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