The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

A woman entered a local fast food establishment last week and began “verbally abusing” a cashier, according to witnesses. The cashier then cussed back. The customer said she was going to call the police, which prompted the cashier to hand her a cellphone. The customer threw down the phone and the cashier came around the counter and knocked her to the ground. The customer claims she was hit multiple times in the face and body. Meanwhile, I’m STILL waiting for that double cheeseburger.

A local resident reported that his apartment was broken into last week. A $50 portable DVD player and four DVDs were stolen, including Feast, The Da Vinci Code, Evil Bong, and Rest Stop. The victim listed the DVDs’ value at $60. No doubt, had he watched Feast, The Da Vinci Code, Evil Bong, and Rest Stop, he would’ve realized he over-valued the stash by about $59.50.

Threat O’ the Week: “I don’t appreciate you sending the cops to my house. If I see you or your kids on the street, you know what time it is.”

On Dec. 30, a woman set her purse down on a counter at a bar and covered it with napkins. To no one’s surprise, a man stole a plastic cup holding $500 from the unattended purse about 30 minutes later. He would have gotten to it sooner, but failed to see the note on the napkins reading, “Steal me please!”

Salacious Offer O’ the Week: “I give great blow jobs, money-back guarantee, for $20.”

A man was pulled over early on New Year’s Eve after police officers observed him drinking and driving. The suspect later told officers, “That was a Bud Light, but I was holding it while my friend was taking a piss.” Let’s hope not in the car, or at least not in the Bud Light can. After struggling with the field sobriety test, the suspect told the officers, “I can’t do this, just take me to jail.”

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