Three Different Odd Five-Finger Thefts:

Four empty kegs, six Looney Tunes jackets, and a mop bucket.

Nicknames O’ the Week:

“Renzo,” “Nut Nut,” and “Mr. T”

A man reported that the driver side door of his red rental car had been kicked in. The car was illegally parked in a loading zone and a note signed by the company that owns the building read, “Mr./Mrs. Red Car, If you ever park here again, I will tow you. Thanks mgmt!” Police say the company likely wasn’t responsible for the damage, because you’d be pretty stupid to bang up the car and leave a note.

A man at a King Street bar asked the bartender to close out his tab. The bartender allegedly replied, “What’s your fucking name?” In response, the victim left no tip. When the bartender saw the receipt, he came around the bar and punched the patron. Here’s a tip: Therapy.

Honest Drunk O’ the Week:

“I shouldn’t be driving. I know. I’m drunk.”

A woman called her boyfriend to help set up her computer, but another woman picked up the phone. The computer girl hung up quickly, but the other woman called back from her boyfriend’s phone and said that she had been his lover for 20 years and that if the victim did not end her relationship with the man, she would “come down and introduce her ass.” No word on where the man was in all of this. My guess is that he was adding RAM to some other woman’s hard drive.

Drunk O’ the Week:

When asked to count backward from 99 to 90, the suspect stated 99, 89, 99, 97, 98, 97, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 91, 90, 89, 89, 81.

Two girls were arguing as they got off the school bus last week when one girl’s stepfather arrived and picked up a brick, telling the other girl, “leave my daughter alone.” The two girls got into a fight, rolling around on the ground, until the girl with the brick-wielding guardian kicked the other girl in the face and fled with her dad. See! Seventh Heaven gets cancelled and the whole world goes to pot!

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.