Here’s the unofficial survey results. You can still take the full survey here.

1. The swine flu landed in news cycles over the weekend. We don’t understand why all of these scary diseases have to involve things that play a role in everyday life (bird flu, mad cow, swine flu, etc.). With that in mind, what’s the next virus America is sure to catch?

A. The Rosey Palm Influenza

2. With school out for college students and high school kids preparing for their finals, the application pool for short-term jobs this summer is about to get longer. What should middle-aged job-seekers do to prove they’re just as hip?

B. Mention how much more productive you are since you quit pot. Note: Abort if the interviewer is white and has dreads!

3. Though a horrible tragedy we wouldn’t dare seek to minimize, we were a bit surprised at the intense media coverage in Charleston of the horrible, costly suburban fire TWO HOURS away. Now that we have Charleston’s biggest tragedy for 2009, what’s going to be the lighthearted No. 2?

A. An As Seen On TV product that melds the Snuggee with the Shamwow — created in Wilmington, N.C.
B. A copycat of the Butt-print Bandit (leaving bare butt prints on store windows) — in Rock Hill.

4. Last week, “famed” soap star and “celebrity” dancer Lisa Rinna made news with her Playboy photo spread, proving she’s still got it. Who is the one person who should not follow Rinna’s lead with a Playboy spread?

C. Drunk Fratboys Sporting Manginas

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