ARIES (March 21-April 19) Inquisitive and headstrong: these are two words that describe you well, Aries. This explains why you will be the first to approach the oddly salivating, mangy-looking fox that wanders in during happy hour. Oops. We hope you like shots in the stomach.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You are normally quite serene, Taurus, but when provoked, your temper can be terrible. He really should have known that before telling you that you had a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth. Helpful tip: Cotton-wrapped tooth picks are great for removing stray bits of gray matter from underneath your fingernails and cuticles.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21) You’re known to be extremely flexible, Gemini, and that flexibility will certainly come in handy tonight. Hint: Hot Swedish twins will be involved. Oh, by the way, one of them is a psychopath with a penchant for razor blades. Have fun figuring out which one before it’s too late.
CANCER (June 22-July 22) Your symbol is the crab, Cancer, and that is oh so ironic. It’s not so easy to wiggle your way out of chest-deep pluff mud, is it? Guess you better try to establish some kinship or rapport with the moonlit hordes of crustaceans as they skitter in ever closer.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) You’re fierce, Leo, but even so, consider staying in the night of the next full moon. A few hours on the sofa with Netflix and microwave popcorn may not be as much fun as a Warren Zevon cover band and $2 pints, but it is preferable to disembowelment.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Shyness and sensitivity to the needs of others may have served you well in the past, Virgo, but that was before you acquired a taste for human flesh.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Your dedication to the ideas of balance and justice, Libra, is why you will return to tip the bartender despite the eerie, writhing fog rapidly rolling in off the harbor.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Your perceptiveness, Scorpio, means that you will be the first to notice the strange, shiny little man floating above Burns Alley. Not that noticing will do much good.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You are adventurous, Sagittarius, with an inclination toward the higher purpose in all things. It will comfort you to know that your name will be long discussed in the medical journals as scientific minds endeavor to understand how what is about to happen to you could even be physically possible.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) From suspension bridges to rooftop bars, you’ve always found comfort and security by climbing to the highest places wherever you are, Capricorn. But keep in mind that swarms of rats are really good at climbing too. Just FYI.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Your concern for fairness, freedom, and the rights of all individuals is well known, Aquarius. Your famous last words will be, “Wait, instead of opening fire, let’s just ask the zombies what exactly it is that they want from us.”
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Pisces, you are symbolized by two fishes swimming in opposite directions, similar to the way that rage virus-infected carriage horses like to pull things apart with their teeth. Word to the wise: Avoid the historic district tonight.
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