A woman evicted from her apartment allegedly took $2,000 in window blinds with her. In an unrelated incident, a woman evicted from her apartment apparently left behind a loaded handgun magazine.

A funeral home reported three garden hoses had been stolen. We’d suggest police rank the neighbors’ yards. Start at the top and work your way down.

When a $15,000 Birkin bag went missing, the store’s description of the culprit was a well-dressed white woman with blond hair. Oh, she’ll stick out like a sore thumb in this town.

A name stitched on a ball cap at an accident scene helped police connect a suspect to the incident.

A police report noted a DUI suspect’s “shoes were off of her feet and on the floorboard,” her “skirt was pulled up, revealing her upper legs,” and her “shirt was not buttoned all the way, exposing her stomach.” Eyes up here, officer.

Officers asked a vandalism victim if he had any ex-girlfriends or vendettas that would have encouraged someone to key his car. He replied, “No man, my past is in the past.” Very zen.

A man suspected of DUI was asked if he had anything to drink. “Zero sir,” he replied before failing a roadside sobriety test and refusing to continue. The officer asked if he’d done any drugs, and he said, “No, my wife’s a lawyer.” Before processing at the detention center, the man asked for his cell phone. When the officer grabbed it from the man’s belongings, the cop realized that it wasn’t a cell phone, but drug paraphernalia with marijuana in it.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

City Paper has been bringing the best news, food, arts, music and event coverage to the Holy City since 1997. Support our continued efforts to highlight the best of Charleston with a one-time donation or become a member of the City Paper Club.