BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: The victim in a vehicle break-in reported the following items missing: a camouflage wallet with some cash and a Kickin’ Chicken card inside, as well as a red visor with a fishing logo on it. We don’t know what the perpetrator looks like, but we’re envisioning him in a Tim McGraw T-shirt.

A man suspected of public drunkenness told officers he was “the drunkest man in Charleston.” Unfortunately, there is no charge for public drunkestness.

Asked to sign a copy of his Breathalyzer test, a man arrested for driving under the influence wrote, “You can suck my dick,” which certainly makes for an awkward exchange when calling out his name at Starbucks.

Stolen Items This Week: Three iPods, two GPS units, and 11 bikes, including six from a single garage.

An estranged husband allegedly threatened a staffer working for his wife’s divorce attorney. Leaving a message complaining about a warrant for his arrest, the man allegedly said, “If you don’t drop it, I don’t know …” A problem with commitment — we should have known.

A special note to drunks: There are a lot of people who are impressed with your preference for hard liquor, straight, no chaser. The officer who pulled you over for suspected DUI is not one of them.

A woman filed an assault complaint after catching a shoe in the back of her head while she was breaking up a bar fight. She told police she didn’t have any information on the people who did it, but her cousin tracked them down on Facebook. In case you’re curious, the “Flying Shoe” button will be coming soon, right beside the “Like It” one.

A suspect in two armed robberies downtown was identified by police by his bike, the gap between his front teeth, and the Blow Pop in his pocket.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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