My beef is liquor.

Or, rather, rude people who order liquor.

Allow me to backtrack. I moonlight as a bartender, which means putting up with alcohol-mongers of varying degrees of sloshiness. For the sake of full discretion, most people who order drinks are kind, decent, tipping people.

Then there are the others. The others are the people that make you want to launch across the bar, teeth barred, in full-on jungle mode. Let me elaborate.

There are certain points of bar etiquette the drinking community needs to be reminded of, and which are all-too-often forgotten.

1. When the bar is packed four deep, the worst thing you can possibly order is a mojito or an old-fashioned.

I don’t know if you realize this, but the aforementioned drinks are some of the most obnoxious to make. There’s a lot of smashing and muddling and mixing and garnishing involved. All in all, it’s a pretty long process. That being said, as much as I don’t want to make a mojito when the bar is four or more deep, you don’t want to drink a mojito that was made when the bar is four or more deep.

2. Don’t try to barter with the bartender.

Unacceptable in any bar. When a well liquor drink costs three dollars, don’t ask if you can have it for two. First, if you’ve only got two dollars to spend, stay home. Second, there’s no incentive for me as a bartender to discount your drink. You’re not helping me out, and you’re probably not going to tip.

3. Know what you’re drinking.

Generally, you are expected to pay for what you drink at a bar. At the end of the night, when you’ve been the flashy strumpet ordering Surfers on Acid and Blow Jobs and the like, don’t scream at the bartender when you are presented with a bill full of Jäger and Frangelico. “I did not order any Jäger!” Yes you did, little lady, and it’s six dollars a pop. Now, calm down.

4. Tip. And be polite.

The general rule of drinking is to tip a dollar per drink, or 20 percent of the total if you’ve got a fairly extensive bill. Not tipping is not an option. Don’t think that waving two dollars in my face will make me pay attention to you when the bar is packed and you’re ordering a two-dollar drink. Don’t call me nasty names or anything else when I ignore you, since you’ve made an ass of yourself all night. Further, don’t scream at me when I refuse to serve you because you’re (a) way too drunk to be standing, (b) have a fake ID, or (c) have been a poor tipper all night.

So that’s that.

By all means, don’t behave yourself when you go out. Get wild, go crazy. Wake up next to a horrible, horrible mistake. Just be kind to the people who clean up after you, make your drinks, try to decipher your slurred speech, and put up with your sweaty-hot-mess.

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