BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: After saying that he would “chop” another student, a middle schooler picked up a small whiteboard and tried to hit the victim. Tomorrow’s lesson: the difference between a blunt object and sharp object.

An iPod was among the items stolen in a recent car break-in. The only identifying mark was a Darth Vader sticker on the back. It would appear that kid in the Super Bowl commercial has, indeed, turned to the Dark Side.

Sobriety TestO’ the Week:

“You want me to say the alphabet from F to R?” “Yes, without singing.”

“You want me to say the alphabet from F to R?” “Yes, without singing.”

“You want me to say the alphabet from F to R?” “Yes, without singing.”

“You want me to say the alphabet from F to R?” The officer moved on to the next test.

Items Stolen This Week: Seven iPods, two bikes, and a laptop, as well as $820 from a glove box that we’ll henceforth refer to as an ATM.

Quote O’ the Week: An officer tried to pull a driver over for not wearing his seatbelt. Realizing that he had drugs and an illegal gun in the car, the suspect tried to run. He later told police, “I pulled over, then thought, shit, I got this weed, and then the butt of the gun rolled forward, so I took off.” He said his parole officer won’t be happy about his arrest and that he had been trying to turn his life around. “All I do is cook, play Madden, and smoke weed.”

While questioning a suspect, officers noticed he had a “white rock-like residue” on his shirt and pants. Asked what it was, the suspect tried to argue the substance, which later tested positive for cocaine, was the crumbs from a Twix. You know, when the commercial encourages you to “chew it over,” it doesn’t mean blame it on the candy bar.

Questioning a DUI suspect, police note the man kept saying, “Throw the baskets.” According to the officer, “Nothing resembling a basket could be seen in the area.”

Threat O’ The Week: “You done fucked up, jokey bitch.” Man, nobody likes a comedian.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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