The Republicans have Reagan. The Democrats have JFK. But when it comes to the slackers, the joke-crackers, and the devil-may-care smart asses, we have Bill Murray. He is our prophet, our sage, our guru of good times. He is the ultimate wise-guy wise man. He is our Big Toe. Behold the Gospel According to Bill.

• It’s possible to smoke two cigarettes and drink a beer at the same time. It’s not advisable. But it is possible.

• Don’t try to steal your best friend’s girl.

• It’s OK to cry during Old Yeller.

• Veni, vedi, vici is a poor substitute for “We came, we saw, we kicked its ass.”

• Varmints are hard to kill. And no varmint is harder to kill than the Varmint Cong.

• The Star Wars theme song is better with lyrics.

• Chevy Chase is a dick.

• Lucy Liu is a bitch.

• Baby steps. Baby steps.

• A red knit cap never goes out of style.

• Gen. Barnikie owes you money.

• An ice cream scooper can be used as a sex toy, and a chest is a great place to do the nasty.

• You know the end is nigh when cats and dogs are living together.

• Stay away from Garfield.

• If you walk the razor’s edge, you will probably get cut. But the bleeding doesn’t last for long.

• Rarely wear underwear and if you do, wear something unusual.

• Baby Ruths can float, but whether they retain their flavor, that’s a question we don’t want answered.

• We are all mutts.

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• Sometimes the asshole with the really bad combover and the personalized bowling ball wins.

• If you’re going to get baked, don’t do it while dressed like a zombie.

• Novocaine is for sissies. Or at the very least for guys who don’t get off on pain.

• People will never get tired of A Christmas Carol, a fact that Hollywood will never forget.

• Drano will not help you get rid of that cough.

• They use nicotine as an insecticide.

• Hunter S. Thompson is a state of mind.

• If the girl you’re after is possessed by a demon, prepare for the lay of your life.

• There is no problem that dynamite and a cross between Kentucky Bluegrass and Northern California Sinsemilla can’t solve.

• It’s possible to enjoy karaoke. It’s not easy, but with Scarlett Johansson at your side, it’s possible.

• We’d rather be golfing.

• Stay away from sequels.

• Confidence and a quick wit can work wonders with the ladies. But they don’t work that well with drill sergeants.

• Your brothers are your friends for life.

• Wes Anderson must be the second coolest guy on the planet.

• Man, the gym shorts in the ’70s were like way too short. They’re practically panties.

• Yeah, your wife may be in love with her brother. Sorry to break that to you.

• It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.

• Sonny and Cher can drive a man to suicide.

• Don’t cross the streams. Especially when you’re standing at a urinal trough.

• A pet goldfish will never let you down.

• Kenny Loggins is not all right.

• F. Scott Fitzgerald was wrong. There are second acts. And sometimes they’re better than the first.


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