BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: The victim in a hit and run told police that the suspect was a woman with long blond hair and a “stomach on her.”

Threat O’ The Week: “I’ve got my tool. What are you going to do?”

A woman reported intimidating phone calls from her ex-boyfriend, including a text message that noted he was “45 minutes or 55 minutes” from her house. That’s not a threat. That’s plenty of time to call the police.

Found passed out on the lawn of a downtown retirement home, a man told police that he was resting in the grass “because [he’s] a farmer.”

An officer was working the closing-time crowd on King Street when a man approached him and asked for his name. After learning the officer’s name, the man responded, “I’m going to remember that fucking shit.” Having dramatically called attention to himself, the officer recognized the man was drunk and charged him with public intoxication. In case he forgets that “fucking shit,” it’s on his arrest record.

Items Stolen This Week: Five bikes, four iPods, and two GPS units.

Charged with charitable solicitation, a downtown man was indignant: “What the hell is that? I was panhandling. That’s what it should be called.”

A DUI suspect tried to explain away the smell of alcohol by telling police that he’d just taken 10 bags of empty beer cans out to the trash. It didn’t work.

Asked how much he had to drink, a man told police, “Honestly officer …,” but didn’t complete his answer. Asked again, he said, “Honestly, two or three wine things.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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