MIDDLE EARTH THREAT O’ THE WEEK: “I kill people for a living. And I love fairies.”

Responding to a fight, officers noticed “several large clumps of black and red hair on the ground.” And that, boys and girls, is how toupees are born.

A domestic dispute between a woman and her boyfriend started when the woman woke up to find the man had urinated in the bed.

Trying to downgrade the severity of his violent act, an offender explained, “I didn’t punch him. I just pushed him in the face.”

Officers, aware that a downtown baseball field was a common place to sell drugs, approached a suspicious-looking person. When the man saw the police, he casually grabbed a glove and walked out onto the field and pretended to be a part of the baseball game already in progress. Officers were not fooled when they noticed an additional first baseman was wearing sandals and jean shorts.

Purple Prose Threat O’ the Week: “You will be tortured, beaten, killed, and buried in a shallow grave if my fancy is tickled as such.”

Every night for the past week, someone has trespassed on a woman’s property and urinated on her Gamecocks beach chair. Clemson should stick to how it usually relieves itself: pissing away every football season.

Sous Chef Threat O’ the Week: “I’m going to fillet you motherfuckers.”

An irate woman took pancake syrup and poured it all over the floor of an ex-boyfriend’s apartment. Police are now looking for Mrs. Butterworth.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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