Obama's Job Speech: Live blogging with a bourbon in hand

7:07 Obama enters. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for this little bit of DC kabuki. It’s funny listening to the anchors act as if they haven’t read the script.

7:09 Man, I think I really nailed this ginger and bourbon. Frikkin tasty.

7:09 Obama: “Tonight we meet at an urgent time.” Which is ironic since it’s a speech that was two and a half years in the making.

7:10 Really. I don’t know about you but I sure as hell didn’t grow up in an America where I believed that everybody got their fair share.

7:11 Actually, I kind of like the political circus.

7:12 The American Jobs Act. Really. That’s the best you’ve got. I’m getting bored already.

7:13 And on the seventh day, there was much clapping.

7:14 Obama: “You should pass this jobs plan right away.” Hmm. I feel like I’m watching an infomerical. “Act now for an extra set of set knives.”

7:15 Wait. If my salary goes up tomorrow, my boss will get a tax break. I hope he’s watching this thing.

7:15 Obama’s talking repairing roads. Hmm. Waiting to hear about the Crosstown. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.

7:17 No baby, that bottle was not for you.

7:18 OMG. I can’t believe it, but everything that Wolf Blitzer has been talking about for the past hour is coming true.

7:19 Does anybody else think McCain looks a little like Toad in Mario Brothers?

7:20 Obama: “Pass this bill”? Hmm. It doesn’t really have the same ring to it as “I have a dream.”

7:21 Let me get this straight: Obama grabbed a bunch of Republican bills, cobbled them together, and created the American Jobs Act. He’s like the Girl Talk of politics.

7:23 Obama: “The American Jobs Act will not add to the deficit.” Here’s how … wait … baby, no. Stay away from the Beam. Ugh. Silly baby.

7:24 Medicare and Medicaid. Oh oh.

7:25 The rich. Oh oh.

7:26 Obama: “We need a tax code where everybody gets a fair shake and everybody gets their fair share.”

7:27 He’s advocating eliminating corporate tax loopholes, something Mark French and Richard Todd have advocated.

7:28 Man, I’m glad I’m not taking a shot everytime Obama says, “Pass this bill.” Because I’d be so hammered I’d be sexting Nikki Haley right now.

7:29 Obama: “We all have to up our game.”

7:31 Speeding up the patent process? Really?

7:32 Geez, dude. Why you got to keep dissing South Korea?

7:33 Does anybody else feel like they’re watching a calisthenics class at an old folks’ home. All that standing and sitting, you know.

7:34 Fuck, my glass is on empty. I need another round.

7:35 Obama: I won’t let this economic crisis be used to wipe out the protection that Americans have been used to for decades.

7:36 Let’s show the unions that we love them. Thanks for the donation.

7:37 Personally, I like a race for the bottom. Then again, I’m a top.

7:37 Oh oh. Obama cited Republican president … Abraham Fucking Lincoln. I hope Jack Hunter’s not there. He’s gonna be real frikkin mad.

7:38 Steve Case. Seriously. That’s so Geocities 199-frikking-6.

7:39 Where’s that damn baby and that bourbon?

7:40 Obama: “The next election is 14 months away, and the people that elected us don’t have the luxury of waiting 14 months.” … of course, that hasn’t stopped us from campaigning for the past six.

7:41 Oh oh. Dropping some Kennedy for Democrats = Dropping some Reagan for Republicans.

7:42 Meh. Bring on the frikkin football. Go Green Bay.

P.S. The terrorists got themselves a UHaul. We are all doomed. Pass this bill.

P.S.S. That baby better put down the bottle now or we’re gonna tussle.