BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Someone broke into a home and stole the kitchen stove. The victim says his emotions are pretty raw, but his food is rawer.

Someone stole a $1,200 kayak from a private dock. So far, all the suspects have watertight alibis.

Caffeine-Fueled Rage o’ the Week: During a spat with her boyfriend about a pair of shoes, a woman threw a coffee mug into his car windshield.

A man had his eyes on a buddy’s used car stereo system, but he didn’t have the money to buy it. Witnesses say it looks like the man took the Five-Fingers-and-a-Screwdriver Discount.

Crack Hiding Place o’ the Week: A man who was stopped for riding his bike at night without a light attempted to hide a crack cocaine rock in his mouth. He apparently couldn’t work up the nerve to swallow it, though, and it fell out as soon as he started speaking.

Scratched into the paint on a sedan’s rear passenger door: “FX.” This guerilla marketing business has gone too far.

COP: “Who’s smoking marijuana?” SUSPECT: “It’s me.” COP: “Do you have any more?” SUSPECT: “No, you can check me.” [cop finds a joint in suspect’s pocket] SUSPECT: “That’s all I got.”

When an officer asked a stumbling woman who had just pushed a bar employee how much she had imbibed that night, she said, “I had four drinks.” When asked what kind of alcohol she was drinking, she changed her story and said, “I had half a beer.” As the officer escorted the woman to a police cruiser, she screamed and called the officer the C-word.

A student got caught at school with sharp, knife-like sewing machine parts that he said he had used to build his own crossbow over the weekend. In other news, the school has officially banned bowstaffs and nunchucks.

When police stopped a man who appeared to be making drug deals in a neighborhood and asked him what business he had there, he said he was visiting his granny. When asked to provide Nana’s name and address, he had nothing further to say.

When a convenience store clerk asked a man where he had gotten a counterfeit $100 bill, he said it was from a friend who owed him money. Looks like someone still owes him $100.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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