BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A drunk man thought he was inside a strip club, but he was actually stumbling around a parking lot. When cops stopped to question him, he tried to pay them to take off their clothes. They declined.

Police found a red felt bag on the stairs at an apartment complex with the words “Santa’s Coal” monogrammed on it. They looked inside and discovered $70 worth of crack cocaine. Someone’s been naughty this year.

A man tried shoplifting five boxes of cologne by stuffing them down the long johns he was wearing under his pants. Guess there’s a reason it’s called eau de toilette.

Chivalrous Threat o’ the Week: “I’m going to slap you silly, but I’m a gentleman.”

An officer woke up a man who was sleeping on top of a concrete wall and asked him if he had been drinking. The man’s response? “Yeah, 50.”

Things that grade-school students used as weapons this week: a chair and a sharpened pencil.

When an officer asked a man why he was hiding behind a wall, he said, “Man, I was just pissin’,” and hastily threw a crack pipe on the ground.

The Things They Shoplifted: Two 12-packs of beer, some cigarettes, three neckties, a watch, three bottled protein shakes, a bottle of soda, three rechargeable battery packs, and eight air fresheners.

One man’s downtown apartment has been burglarized three times in the past three months. The most recent break-in netted the thief an Xbox 360 and a laptop computer.

Someone stole a stove, refrigerator, and dishwasher from a house. The suspect is described as very strong and very hungry.

A man who was caught with what looked like crack rocks in his pocket told police the drugs were fake and that he was just trying to sell them. Actually, they were real, and he had just confessed to being a drug dealer.

Two sisters got in a fight over a pair of stolen sports bras, and the underwear thief ended up pepper-spraying her sister in the face.

Somebody did $300 worth of property damage breaking into a title loan office so that he could steal $13.17 from the register till.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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