I don’t know about you, but I don’t know what to buy the Earth for its birthday. Between you and me, I had plum forgot that Earth Day was April 22 until I received an e-mail from Groupon and Hollywood superstar Edward Norton letting me know that the special day was just around the bend. I am Jack’s utter sense of shame.

But then I remembered that the Earth doesn’t give a shit about materialistic crap like birthday presents, and it sure as hell doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you and me or anyone else for that matter. From the Earth’s perspective, humanity is nothing more than an outbreak of acne on its otherwise pristine ass. We’ll fade away and the Earth will be no worse or better because of it.

That said, the whole Groupon mailer has got me right puzzled. I mean, I get why they sent it. They want to guilt me into buying some enviro-friendly bullshit, which I’m not going to do. True environmentalism is about being thrifty and using all the things you already have. Seriously, why would I buy a set of reusable, Earth-friendly bamboo cutlery when I’ve already got plenty of silverware at home?

What puzzles me is Groupon’s claim that the Earth is only 400 years old. That’s just frikkin baffling. I mean, even Bible-beating fundies think the world is a heckuva lot older than that.

Here’s the ad. Maybe you can tell me what it means.

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