Assault Weapon o’ the Week: A bottle of cleaning product, sprayed in the face.

A man walked into his garage to discover that someone had stolen his mountain bike, radial arm saw, bench grinder, and golf clubs, as well as a bunch of steaks and hamburgers from the refrigerator. This is going to be the worst summer ever.

After getting in a fight, a woman threw some of her girlfriend’s wardrobe in a dumpster and doused the rest in hot sauce — because nothing says “We’re through” quite like Tabasco.

Asked where he had been drinking, a man with bloodshot eyes who was stumbling down the sidewalk told an officer, “Why does that have any bearing on this?”

DUI Excuse o’ the Week: “I attended Michigan State. I come from a family of cops.”

A barber shop manager put her mini-refrigerator out back behind the business to defrost, and someone drove by in a pickup truck and stole it. That’s cold.

An officer tried to subdue a drunk woman in the ER who had been yelling at hospital staff. The woman made a hocking noise like she was getting ready to spit, so the cop put a hand over the woman’s mouth. She tried to bite it, then managed to spit the loogie out, and it landed on the officer’s groin.

Two very drunk men walked behind the counter at a pizza joint and started helping themselves to some pies. An employee shooed them out the door, and when an officer confronted the two men in the street, one tried to make a run for it, tripped on the curb, and busted his head open.

The Things They Shoplifted: A cooked chicken thigh, an $80 pair of sneakers, two cartons of cigarettes, a bottle of dandruff shampoo, and a wig.

When a store manager confronted a man who was trying to walk out with merchandise stashed under his armpit, the would-be shoplifter said, “Oh, man, are you talking about this? I’m sorry, it was an accident.”

After a cop searched a man’s car and found a bag of marijuana under the driver seat cover, the man said, “Oh, that weed! That is last week’s weed. I’ve been looking for that. It got lost.”

When a woman called a contractor to check out a leak in her ceiling, she learned that someone had stolen three panels from her tin roof. So that explained that.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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