Employees at a fast food joint called the cops because a car had been parked in the drive-thru lane for over an hour. Inside the car, officers found a young man sleeping in a puddle of drool. When they asked him to remove his seat belt, he proceeded to take off his shirt. He told the police he left a bar on King Street because he wanted a cheeseburger.

The cops found a man asleep on King Street who had soiled his pants. When they attempted to wake him, he sat up and yelled, “Shut up!”

Gas station employees called authorities when a customer started harassing the workers, who were making him wait to buy cigarettes until they changed out the cash drawers. After the cops arrived, the man told them, “Can’t you just watch me buy these and I’ll leave?”

A man who had just stolen a pair of headphones at the mall was chased out of the store and into a public restroom, where he was caught trying to flush the pair of headphones down the toilet.

The Things They Shoplifted: One car tire, $200 worth of merchandise from a department store, and two teeth-whitening kits.

A man walked into a grocery store, got three gallons of milk, went to aisle nine, smashed all three gallons on the floor, and left the store.

When a man was caught stealing a 12-pack of beer, he apologized and said that when he didn’t receive his paycheck that morning he became “stressed out.”

A woman was convinced by someone she met in a grocery store parking lot to withdraw $8,000 to invest in a national pharmacy. They walked together to withdraw the money from a nearby bank. When her new investment banker offered to count the money, he ran.

Police pulled a car over for traveling the wrong way on a one-way street. Neither of the two men in the car had a valid license. Upon searching the car, officers found $400 worth of heroin.

A man was throwing wine bottles out of his hotel room window when his wife went down to the lobby and asked the manager to call the police. Talk about a romantic getaway.

Officers confronted a man walking down the middle of the street. They asked him for his name and then his date of birth. He replied, “Nov. 10, 2012.”

While returning change to a customer, a cashier accidentally dropped a coin on the ground. The customer got upset, started a fight, and ultimately poked the cashier in the eye four times. Moe Howard was not available for comment.

In the wee hours of the morning, police spotted two naked men walking down the street. One was holding a cellphone, while the other had a bag around his back containing both men’s clothing. Not surprisingly, they smelled of alcohol.

A child was nipped by a small dog at a park. A nearby woman grabbed the dog. The owner of the dog then became irate, yelling at the woman, “You fucking stay out of this! I’ll fucking kick your ass! I’ll fucking kill you!”

Well-Duh o’ the Week: A car had doors that would not lock or shut. It was stolen.

A woman called the cops because someone was in her bed. The officers arrived, inspected the scene, and found nothing. She apparently knew better and pointed at her pillow and said, “That thing in there has a face on it!”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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