There are few things in this world as sad and pathetic as Hugh Hefner.

I mean, there are those poor souls that you see eating at Waffle House on Christmas day.

And the dogs in that Sarah McLachlan commercial.

And Will Folks, who still keeps making not-so-veiled references to his alleged sexual dalliances with Gov. Nikki Haley. (For the record, I think the pair may have downed one too-many beers during a drinking session and made out and, well, that’s about it. Then again I could have the whole thing confused with an episode of 90210 in which Jim Walsh kissed a coworker and then had to confess to Cindy.)

But Hugh, there’s no doubt he’s at the top of the bottom list. And it’s all because he’s a slave to a type.

You know, what I’m talking about: a bleach blond white chick who’s about 5 foot 10 with skin the color of McDonald’s orange kool-aid, pronounced-but-not-too-pronounced cheekbones, a “Rachel” haircut, and Chiclet teeth. Ugh.

Think about it, this guy has more access to ass than another other heterosexual man in the history of the frikkin world and he’s stuck on Barbie. If the world is anybody’s all-you-can-eat oyster roast, it should be Hef’s.

Which brings us to ESPN commentator Rob Parker. See, Parker believes that Washington Redskin’s QG Robert Griffin III has a type: white people.

During a hellaciously idiotic rant this week, Parker argued that Griffin is, well, a race-traitor. Parker’s problems began once he referred to RGIII as a “cornball brother” and then had to clarify exactly what he meant. WaPo’s DC Sports Blog reports:

““Well, [that] he’s black, he kind of does his thing, but he’s not really down with the cause, he’s not one of us,” Parker explained. “He’s kind of black, but he’s not really the guy you’d really want to hang out with, because he’s off to do something else.”

Why is that your question, Parker was asked.

“Well, because I want to find out about him,” Parker said. “I don’t know, because I keep hearing these things. We all know he has a white fiancée. There was all this talk about he’s a Republican, which, there’s no information [about that] at all. I’m just trying to dig deeper as to why he has an issue. Because we did find out with Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods was like I’ve got black skin but don’t call me black. So people got to wondering about Tiger Woods early on.”

You know, on second thought, maybe Hugh Hefner isn’t the most pathetic man on the planet. There’s Rob Parker, a sad race-blind Uncle Hef who believes that we all have a type and he’s the only one who can decide what it is.

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