Blotter o’ the week: A woman shoplifted 40 rolls of paper towels from a store, because that’s just how she rolls.

A man shoplifted a computer tower and monitor while hiding them under a large dog pillow bed. The loss prevention officer really screwed the pooch on that one. The thief didn’t paws to consider the consequences of his actions. Doggone crooks. Dog puns.

Assault Weapon o’ the Week: A wine glass.

Upon noticing that her acquaintance had just shoplifted a Mountain Dew from a convenience store, a woman said, “Give the damn soda back. I don’t have time for this.”

Somebody stole a mailbox from in front of a house.

According to a police report, Marion Square “has been a hot spot for underage drinking and narcotics violations in the past couple of months.” So it came as little surprise when some young men sitting on top of the base to the John C. Calhoun monument were caught getting high both literally and figuratively.

A man tried to shoplift seven T-shirts, five bras, four pairs of shorts, and two DVDs in a shopping cart. He was arrested while trying to leave through the garden section of the store.

Road Rage o’ the Week: A semi truck driver noticed a hotshot in a white sports car aggressively cutting off some buses on the Interstate, so the trucker followed the sports car off an exit and pulled up next to it at a stoplight. He quickly realized that the driver of the sports car had pulled out a gun and was pointing it at him.

Two women were caught shoplifting $74 worth of cosmetic items from a department store. They weren’t able to save face when the cops arrived.

A grocery store was unable to restock a pair of ribs after a shoplifter shoved them down the front of his pants and then dropped them on the floor.

Somebody stole a woman’s cell phone during the benediction at a funeral service.

When police stopped a man who was driving erratically and asked to see his license and registration, the driver responded by revving his engine. The car’s horsepower was rivaled only by the driver’s jackasspower.

A woman says that a man in a black hoodie stole her purse, which contained $2,984. She gave no explanation as to why she was carrying that much cash.

Stolen from Vehicles This Week: A calfskin purse, a brown purse, a Coach purse, a Coach wallet, $220 in cash, six credit cards, two cell phones, a Social Security card, a military ID, a driver’s license, a portable DVD player, and a bottle of suntan lotion.

Confession o’ the Week: “Man, I ain’t going to lie, I threw some weed.”

While police were speaking with an intoxicated person on the sidewalk, another drunk man walked up and told police that the suspect was his friend and that he did not need to go to jail. The interloper yelled and waved his arms at the officer until he was arrested.

Somebody stole business checks from an art gallery. The perpetrator will no doubt claim that he was framed.

Unfair Trade o’ the Week: A man was closing up shop at a fast food restaurant when he stepped outside and realized someone had stolen his car. He also noticed a mountain bike leaning against the wall outside the restaurant.

A man who was being arrested for public drunkenness and was unable to stand up straight without help from police told the cops who arrested him, “I’m going to take your weapon from you and beat both of you.”

A man was found drinking vodka behind a dumpster at the library.

A cop stopped a drunk man on the sidewalk who had glassy eyes, swayed back and forth, and had “virtually non-existent motor skills,” according to an incident report. When asked how much he had to drink that night, the man replied by grunting.

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