Blotter o’ the Week: A man tried to shoplift five packages of smoked sausage from a grocery store by putting them down the back of his shirt. When a police officer arrived and untucked the man’s shirt, the sausages came tumbling out.

Police found a drunk man kicking a door and shouting profanities on a second-story fire escape. When the cops told the man to come down, he sat and scooted down the steps until he reached the landing where the officers were standing. In the incident report, one officer writes, “He was unable to answer basic questions when asked and [said] he did not have any legs.”

Somebody tried to shoplift two bottles of motor oil, a power inverter, a vacuum cleaner, a blender, a safety kit, and a CB radio by walking out of a store with the items in a shopping cart. Not the most creative technique, but we’ll give him originality points for the selection of items.

A man walked into the restroom at a fast food restaurant and used a permanent marker to write “Sloppy Throwies,” “2013,” “Amuss,” and other gibberish all over the door, trashcan, and paper towel dispenser. He also left a note card outside the bathroom with the words “Yu no bathroom? Class 1” written on it. Message received?

Suspect Description o’ the Week: “I don’t know, he’s goofy lookin’.”

Drunk Idiot o’ the Week: When police asked a man why he was running down the middle of King Street around 3:30 a.m., he replied, “Because I’m an idiot.” When they asked how much he had been drinking that night, he said, “I’m pretty hammered.”

Sort-of Confession o’ the Week: “I may have done it; I may not have. The video that was recorded will be able to tell you what you want to know.”

One night at an apartment building, someone broke out the back window on an SUV, stole a lawn chair off a resident’s porch, and disconnected the water hose on a community washing machine. Beware of aimlessly disgruntled people.

Cover-Up Fail o’ the Week: When police spotted a man drinking on a park bench, he poured his cup out and tried to rub the beer into the ground with his feet. There were still traces of beer in his cup.

When a ping pong ball rolled out the open front door of a bar, two patrons who were drinking beer on the sidewalk snatched it up and taunted the ping pong players, saying, “This is my ball.” An argument ensued, and when an employee shut the front door to separate the parties, the belligerent ball bilkers threw their bottles at the door and bounced from the scene.

Police ordered employees of a roofing company to stop working on a building when it was discovered that they were throwing asbestos shingles off the roof rather than disposing of them according to DHEC regulations. But they were trying as best as they could!

All-Time Low o’ the Week: A police officer pulled a driver over for speeding and noticed a strong smell of alcohol coming out of the vehicle. He also noticed that the driver’s clothing was “completely disheveled” and his pants zipper was down.

A man holding an open can of malt liquor walked into a downtown convenience store and started cursing at customers. When police stopped him and searched him, they discovered that he was also carrying a half-empty bottle of bum wine.

When police woke up a man who was sleeping on a sidewalk at midday surrounded by empty beer cans, he said, “You’re just a bunch of fucking terrorists!”

When police asked permission to search an intoxicated person, he replied, “Can I search you?”

A man who was arrested on a charge of possession with intent to distribute felt compelled to tell police that “coke” is a street name for cocaine.

Police handcuffed a man and frisked him after someone said he was carrying a handgun in a nightclub. When the cops found no weapon and released the man, he strutted around the parking lot and yelled, “Do you feel safe now? I’m out of handcuffs now!” Police cuffed him again on a charge of disorderly conduct.

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